The Sandbox Writing Challenge…Stillness…..What is it that keeps you from being still?
In the past, remembering the ugliness of my childhood and the toxicity of family relations would constantly pop up in my head, like scenes from a movie…..so hard to turn off. It wasn’t until I made peace with all of it, accepted my past for what it was, forgave (the forgiving was/is for me, not them.) and finally letting it go. Until I could do that, the mental, emotional and spiritual stillness I was searching and craving was never going to happen…….this didn’t happen overnight. It was, and in many ways, still is a work in progress…I’m a work in progress. But, I’ve come a long way………
There was also the guilt factor….the feeling of selfishness, especially in my first marriage, when the kids were younger. As far as the ex was concerned, I was a wife and mother..that was my job…there was no me. The whole idea of me needing or wanting some me-time was positively ludicrous……..
Pain….physical pain, does prevent me from enjoying my meditative stillness I had so recently found….I’m finding new ways (walking meditation for one) to roll with it and make it work….I refuse to let the pain win this one…I’ve worked to hard on the mental stuff to have the physical take it away from me.
…and of course the proverbial monkey mind that likes to come and call whenever I try and be still…..which is why I do use guided meditation a lot of the times…it helps drown out the monkey mind…sometimes!!
All in all, at this point in my life, I can honestly say I have found some stillness…I no longer feel guilty about….and I AM selfish with my stillness and alone time, sometimes to a fault, but I make no apologies for this…as far as I’m concerned, I’ve earned the right to Be STILL…….