Time for more digging in the sandbox over at The Sandbox Writing Challenge. We are being asked to share What is one of the worst emotional storms you’ve weathered in your life?
I decided to take this one down to the wire with it being Chrismas and all……..
I’ve weathered many a storm, and no doubt there will be others……the one I’m sharing was what I call hitting my preverbial rock bottom. It was springtime of my 38th year. I’d been married for almost 19 years by that point. Most unhappily and emotionally abusive. We’d separated twice during that time, only to get back together, with promises of change on both our parts. Why I have no idea.
We I was miserable. He was content so long as I abided by his rules..dressing a certain way……I could have friends so long as he approved. I wasn’t suppose to have opinions. I’d go along for a while to keep the peace. But there would come that day when my inner spirit would try and break free…and the vicious cycle of dysfunction would start all over again. Life was a series of put downs and arguments.
There came a point where I started to withdraw…I. Just. Stopped. Caring. I’d get the kids off to school, and go back to bed. I’d make dinner. Sleep. Cry. What was wrong with me?! I started to think everything/everyone would be better off without me. I started to
think plan. I can park my car in the garage after the kids go to school. Just friggin end it all. Or swallow some pills. Anything was better than this pain. I was numb, filled with despair, and tired of living……………I contemplated for weeks. I was mortified with myself for even thinking this, to think this was my only way out. That I would put my children through something so horrible was atrociously selfish. Something finally snapped and I knew I had to get help.
I turned to my neighbors and friends, S and T. A nurse practioner and counselor, they both became my confidants. They listened. Then listened some more. They gave me a job, and slowly that numbness subsided. With their help, I worked hard to pull myself out of that abyss I let myself fall into. Hopelessness slowly gave way to hope……that hope gave me the confidence to end the marriage that was slowly killing me……..
I’ve experienced other dark moments and pit falls, but I’ve never fallen that deep again. I now know the light is always there…..journaling, my soul strolls and the love of self help keep me in the light, as does the love of my husband, my children and grandchildren….life is definitely worth living 🙏