Brrrrrrrrrr…it’s cold outside, but that’s not stopping me from jumping in The Sandbox for the next challenge. Challenge #23 is entitled Closed Doors, and it’s asking us the question `What door have you closed in your life, and why? Will you ever open it again?’
I’ve ‘closed the door’ on both my parents. I know I will never see them again in this lifetime. My mother will never give me what I need in order to ‘fix’ what’s broken in our relationship, and that is accountability, an apology, and recognition of the pain that was/is inflicted in my life because of her decisions and choices. Even now, it’s all about her feelings……….
My father, well, he threw me away like yesterday’s garbage. I phoned him one day in August of 2006, and he told me he needed a break from me. This came out of the blue, as I had basically just Re-established a, what I thought was a good relationship, with him. I started to cry and asked him why and he never gave me an answer. He said he would be in touch and hung up…..that was 9 1/2 years ago….he’s never made any attempt to get in touch with me. I reached out via cards and letters for over 6 years, never to hear from him. I poured my heart out to this man who’s suppose to love me unconditionally, only to be left standing empty and hurt all over again. I know he can get in touch with me If he wanted to, but chooses not to. I knew and I know, for my own well being, I had to let it go……and with a lot of soul searching and soul strolls, I’ve done just that…….
Some think me harsh and terrible to say I’ll never see them again, that if and when they pass I won’t go pay my respects or say goodbye. As far as I’m concerned, they don’t deserve my presence. My ‘argument’ is, if I’m not worth having a relationship with while they’re alive, I sure as hell don’t want or need to see them when they’re gone. I allowed both of their actions, their betrayals and their treatment of me to define me for way to long…..I thought I was unworthy of their love, that there was something wrong with me……..well, I finally realized I Was and Am worthy and that the problem was/is them, not me.
But to answer the second part of the question, I’ve also learned you can Never say Never. That door is locked, but to say I’ve thrown away the key, I’d be lying if I said I did. It’s empowering to be the
holder owner of that key. No one enters without my permission! Will said door ever be opened, that part of the story has yet to be, if ever, written.