Death

This is the first definition of death I found at dictionary.com. It sums it up.

1. the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism .Compare brain death.

For the last 291 days, death has been a permanent fixture in my brain. No matter what I do, where I go, or whom I’m with…its there. There’s no running away from it. It follows me around, I’d like to say, like a little puppy, but puppies are cute…death has become my companion, a very unwanted and unwelcomed one….

It’s a part of life. I know it. We all know it.  It still Sucks Bigtime. I’ve been in non-stop go go go mode since Jim died. It kept me busy. It kept the hurt and grief at bay. I pulled it out and allowed myself to feel it in small increments. All the while, go go going.

Well, the go go going has come to a halt. At least for now. So now, I have to face this unwanted companion of mine. Death. The truth of it. My reality. Death. That has wrapped me tight in its grip. I stink of it. The ‘stench’ keeps folks away. They’ve dropped away, not like flies, the stench of death attracts flies like bees to honey….no. They’ve dropped away as if death itself is catching.

So be it. It is what is…..

I’m mourning the death of my husband. Today, day 291, it hurts. In some ways, I feel as though I’m at the beginning stages. The pain, raw. The emptiness, lonely. I allow myself to feel it. I allow myself to cry, wracking sobs and wails. Jims death has left me wounded. My wounds bleed my pain and grief. All this while, these wounds were kept covered, band-aided to staunch the flow……those band-aids I’ve ripped off. The time has come to let that ‘poison’ flow out..to feel the pain and let my wounds heal properly and slowly.

My reality is Death knocked on my door…it took my husband and made me a widow. It also took a piece of me..a piece of my heart and soul. BUT, death hasn’t claimed me or my spark. I will NOT hand it over. Instead, while I allow myself to grieve, I’m fanning my inner flame…….I have to. I need to. I want to. Even with death..Life Goes On.

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17 thoughts on “Death

  1. Your process continues to be genuine and beautiful, Linda. The depths of the pain of grief is always more than seems bearable. I know you know you will get through this, but while in the midst of the most painful part, it doesn’t seem so. It does suck. Big time. Hearts break open, not closed. The Light of your Love for him is so bright. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
    Sending love….

  2. Linda I know this sounds very harsh and you may not forgive me, but “welcome to the Club” so to speak When Death “comes calling” only those that have the hurt the sorrow of it only we can understand totally. I had people who knew David and myself cross the street after David Died to ignore me. Even my own Mother, a Widow had little compassion for me and I was left with two young Sons to raise, thank God for them for they saved me. I think what will make you survive and have that inner strength is what so many have, we are Loners we can and do cope. Cry, scream, shout, yell cry all day and night do whatever you feel. I would have to go out into my Garden Summerhouse to cry my mother would tell me “stop your crying”. I always wanted to scream out still do, maybe one day I will.

    You know in your Heart and Head you will see Jim again, you know He is just beyond that door, He is with you all the time, when you are sad and cry when you find beauty in the Trees the woods, he is there, on the Beach He is there, you are never alone Linda, never. The One you Love is in your Heart does not matter what anyone else says, if they avoid you, you are better off without them. Say what you want, feel what you want. Days are bad, by God I have had enough of them, then you feel at Peace some days. One thing for sure, no matter the distance the miles that separate us, the fact that I may not email as often, I know what you are feeling, my Heart goes out to you and I am here, here whenever whatever time it is, I am here for you. Your biggest companion is by your side and will remain by your side sending you His Love.. Go on grab those tissues and have a good cry, shout Jim’s name as loud as you can, feel him in your heart. God Bless Linda, no offence intended I say what I think please forgive if it has upset you. All my love, Anna.

  3. Good grief, Linda, has its moments, ups and downs. The downs get less, but when they hit, the acute rawness of the loss hits hard. But you bounce back quicker and stronger each time. Just flow with whatever the day brings you. The fair weather friends – well, it’s their loss. Maybe they were only ever meant to be there for a season before they moved on. *hugs*

  4. You have done what you had to do to get you to a safe place, hon. Now you will be able to allow yourself to feel the grief and pain in the way you need to. Big hugs to you. You’re amazing! ❤

  5. As per Hinduism and ancient scriptures of Vedas & Puran:
    The soul is immortal, everlasting and indestructible whereas Body made of 5 elements (air, water, fire, earth and ether )is mortal. Death is nothing but casting off the body which eventually merges into five elements. Just like the owner of a car, Soul changes body at the end of one cycle and another cycle begins. I strongly recommend you to visit the website of Mr Hans Wilhelm’s videos on You Tube
    https://www.youtube.com/user/LIFEexplainedMedia
    I am sure this will prove to be a turning point in your life and help get out the grief and fear of “DEATH”

  6. Thank you for the recommendation… I have no fear of death. I accept and do believe it’s not necessarily an ending, but another beginning. I think this ‘rant’ was just long over due and came flying out. 🙏

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