Spiritual Touch

My beautiful friend Anna shared this vision with me when Jim first passed away. The idea of his being ‘just on the other side of a door’ . This vision has proven to bring me comfort over the last 347 days.

So, When I think of Jim and where it is his Spirit ‘lives’, I envision him

being just on the other side of a door. I also envision putting my hand

on that door, and his touching the other side. Knowing one day, when it’s time,

he will open that door and be there, ready to welcome me home.

I think of you all the time.

Every moment of

Every day..

I talk to you constantly.

Wondering,

What you would have to say…

I do all this knowing,

Deep within my heart,

That you are out there

Listening,

That we are not really apart..

Closing my eyes.

I reach out my hand.

Coldness tickles my fingertips,

I smile and understand.

This eternal overlapping of time

Is all a mystery

But our souls are woven together

They embody our history…

©lindafedroff_september2017

[photo by Pixaby]

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Happy Autumnal Equinox 🍂🍁

My Favorite Season has, well almost, officially arrived..Ok…so ‘officially’ autumn doesn’t start 4:02 pm EDT … semantics 😄

I was up way before the sun……determined to welcome autumn in my own special way. Coffee and notebook in hand, I hung with my tree. 🍁

As the birds awakened and the sky was slowly getting lighter, I couldn’t help but think of all the sunrises Jim and I were Blessed to witness together…and though he’s physically not here, I feel his presence ❤

With my arms wide open

I welcome the dawn

On the first

Of this

Autumn morn..

The sky lightens

The birds they sing

Welcoming the Equinox

And the changes it brings…

The trees dance on the breeze

As the sun begins to rise

Sky gets brighter

Morning has broken

Autumn arrives…….

©lindafedroff_sept2017

What Doesn’t Kill Me Makes Me Stronger?!?!

You’re so strong…if I had a dollar for every time that word was used to describe me over the last 341 days, I’d be rollin in some dough. There are many meanings to the word…but I chose #10 to share as I feel it probably comes closest to what people probably mean when they say it…..

{#10’s definition: solid or stable; healthy; thriving:}

Being strong wasn’t and still isn’t exactly what I’m striving for. Surviving one day at a time as best as I can was and still is my goal. It is a choice I’ve made every morning since Jim died. Does that make me strong? Stable? Healthy? Or Thriving? I don’t feel any of those things…..but, I don’t consider myself weak in any way…….

with that said……..

I do know, for me, it’s my Faith, my Beliefs, my Hope, that get me out of bed in the morning……….that and the knowing, in my heart, that Jim was the one who died, not me.. He took a part of me with him, but I know he’d want me to live. Not just exist, but to live. I’m trying to do my best with each 24 hours I’m given. I strive to be a good, kind person. I’m striving to somehow, make even the smallest of difference in others lives.

At the end of the day, before turning in with my companion Loneliness, I don’t think to myself, Linda you were so strong today, I’m thinking, I Love and Miss my husband. I’m thinking, Linda, you made it through another day. I’m thinking regardless of the grief and pain, I’m incredibly Blessed in so many ways. I’m thinking, see you in my dreams babe

Does any of that constitute being strong? I dont know…I guess it comes down to not feeling comfortable with that adjective.

I Will Find My Shine ☀️ I Will Find My Voice

It’s been 11 months since this journey into widowhood began for me……how is that even possible?!?!? 48 weeks without My Jim’s physical presence. I miss him. My journey has seen me living through 3 states, buying a home and struggling emotionally to figure this new life of mine out. I’m no closer to figuring it out then I was in the beginning…yet, somehow, I find myself here…..and this new person death has/is creating is still lost and trying to find her way. But, She/I is determined…….

I awoke before the sun, and decided to take my coffee and watch the sunrise….something I haven’t been doing much of lately. I’ve begun to ask myself if it’s a form of self sabotage, not allowing myself to enjoy those things Jim and I loved as a couple?!?! If that’s what I’m subconsciously doing, I need to put a stop to it, and hopefully by admitting it to myself maybe I’ve begun to do that?!?!?

The sunrise inspires…..I found some comfort and peace this morning, and I wrote.

Slowly, oh so very slowly, my voice is returning……

Even at my lowest

The darkness cannot

Will not

Subdue me….

I am a source of light

my inner spark

Glows..

Becoming brighter

Like the rising sun…

©lindafedroff_sept2017