My New Years Eve Eve post………
Over in my Widows group, this past week the subject of suicide has been a topic, for obvious reasons. The holidays in general can be a really tough time, add in the lost of a loved one, the feelings of loneliness and isolation….it’s easy to fall into pit of despair and feel as though there is no way out……(I feel I have to add that we are not professionals on suicide here….and that folks reach out to the Suicide Hotline…..1 800 273 8255……))
Just finished writing this…was going to post it tomorrow, but in light of some of the other posts, I decided to post it now.
With the winding down of 2017, I’m reflecting on how far I’ve come. I survived a full year of ‘firsts’ without Jim. I moved, bought my first car, moved again, bought a home.
I survived heartbreaking pain and grief…pain so deep and raw I didn’t want to live. On those days when ending it all seemed the only way I wanted to go, I wrote…..some of what I wrote was in the form of goodbye letters to my children. After I’d write, I’d tuck the letter away, only to add to it the next time those feelings of ending it over took me. All I could think was, I just want to be back ‘home’ in Jims arms. The last entry was dated late August. As I sat and reread those letters, my heart broke for that woman, whose struggle and pain was so deep she wanted to die. My heart broke for her, for me. Then I thought about how far I’ve come since that last entry………………
Before I begin my journey into 2018, I needed to address some of that pain and grief. Don’t get me wrong, I know the pain of his loss and the grief that has become my companion will always be with me….The fact is, widowhood can and is a lonely time. No matter who we are surrounded by, we are missing our partner. But, Jims love was and still is an incredible gift, a gift that keeps on giving, regardless of where he is. My grief, in its own way, speaks volumes of the love we share. Each tear that falls, is, in its own little way, a tribute to the man I love. My healing is coming at it’s own pace in its own way, my way. I want to start my 2018 ‘book’ with a blank page. So I’m ceremoniously burning those ‘goodbye’ letters. Writing them was purging, rereading them reminded me of how far I’ve actually come, by burning them I’m letting those feelings go..I’m freeing myself to allow myself to move forward and live…………
Another year has come and gone.
The first full one, without you.
So many ups and downs,
at times I didn’t have a clue….
How was I going to make it?
Living this life without you here.
Yet somehow, day by day,
I made it through this year.
A little bit stronger.
A little bit wiser.
I’m moving right along.
Where will this journey take me?
Hopefully, to a place I belong.
As the minutes tick down
I’ll close my book of old
While anxiously opening a new one,
With stories yet to be told…..