Unfinished Business 📝

Well, here we are….Exercise 21 of The Sandbox Writing Challenge.

This weeks prompt is…………..

What have you left undone?

Dang, what isn’t left undone?!?

Ok…..let me see…there’s that photography coffee table book that I’ve been wanting to do for, hmmmmmmmmm 🤔🤔🤔🤔 must be going on 7 years now. Then there’s my other book, the one that incorporates my words with my photos. See in the beginning, I didn’t think or believe I had anything to say or that I could possibly write, or that anyone would listen or be interested or want to read anything I had to share……….I had and still have a few cheerleaders and believers in my corner. One of those people, who was there ‘in the beginning’ is someone I care for and trust and I aspire to be like. She was a news anchor who is now, not only a published author, she is a life coach. Along with a fellow writer, they are hosting a write/publish/promote weekend in August. I’m interested, there’s no doubt about that. A weekend away and the opportunity to work with these amazing women in a beautiful serene setting would be wonderful. But I’m sitting here second guessing myself and my abilities once again. I guess I’m struggling with my own self-confidence and the fear of failure. The fee isn’t cheap. So I am asking myself-Am I worth the investment?!?

“Your Life Is Happening Right Now: Don’t let procrastination take over your life. Be brave and take risks. Your life is happening right now.” ~Roy T. Bennett~

To Be Continued……….which means I have not made a decision yet 😬

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NEVER Can Happen……🚪

It’s exercise #20 over at The Sandbox Writing Challenge. An interesting one considering the timing……this is my take on …………..

What door have you closed

in your life, and why?

Will you ever open it again?

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Along this road, this journey of life that is explicitly mine, I have had to close some doors. These things needed to be done for my own self-preservation. Whenever I was/am questioned “would you ever attempt opening or walking through one of those doors again”, my answer has always been a very emphatic NEVER!

Then this happened……….

The toxic relationships that I had/have with my siblings ( 2 sisters – 1 brother) and our parents is and still is one of the things that was and is being kept locked away behind closed doors. The relationships were then and still are not healthy. Volatile is a good term to describe what we had/have. There’s plenty of blame to pass around on all accounts, but this isn’t about bashing them or beating myself up, ’cause there are no innocents here. We all have our parts in this that we own. But I eventually found myself to the point that I knew I had to walk away, LOCK the doors and even burning some bridges for my own well-being………This January one of those doors was being pried opened. Pried open by my youngest sister, who was reaching out with an olive branch. It didn’t take long for that particular door, her door, to be opened wide and is now on its way to being dismantled. Our healing and reunion continues……

And then this happened…………

Earlier this week, I decided to peek through the keyhole of another of those closed doors. 2 weeks ago I found out my father’s wife passed away. I won’t spend time here speaking ill of the dead except to say, though we shared some good times, she ultimately played a huge part in ‘playing’ us all against each other and putting a wedge between our father and his children, and he/we allowed it. When I heard about her passing, I was surprised by my reaction considering all that has transpired. I felt really sad. Sad for her daughters, as they lost their mom, and sad for my father, he lost his wife. I felt empathy and compassion. While I was feeling these feelings the voices in my head were arguing with me, reminding me that None of them..I mean NONE of them, reached out to me when my Jim died 84 weeks ago. I argued back, that’s on them, this is me. So, after thinking about it a few days, I decided to stop peering through the keyhole. I decided to turn the key and open the door, just a crack, and after 12 years, I dialed my fathers number (weird I still remembered it!) and called him on Tuesday. I was not a timid little girl peering from behind a door. I was a Linda he wouldn’t recognize, a stronger more confident Linda. Unfortunately he did not answer the phone. I did leave a message, though. I expressed my condolences, left my cell number and said to call if he felt up to it and I ended with a “please take care of yourself dad.” No, he has not returned my call at this writing….but for me, this is huge….NEVER in a million years did I think I would even attempt this. Im closing the door, but have decided not to lock it………….

For now, the other doors remain locked. One cannot open all the doors at once, and I may not be able to open any of the others.

But Sometimes ‘Never’ Happens……….to be continued?!?!?!?

Picture Credit: Pixabay

Picture Credit: Pinterest

Green 💚

We’re experiencing so much rain..gonna have to start building an ark. But with the rain comes an explosion of Green-ness…a vibrant hue that says LIFE.

What would happen if tomorrow morning I awoke to a canopy of branches and leaves and my feet touched the soft inviting bed of moss? And what if tomorrow, instead of a green juice, I drink the dew dripping from the clouds drip by sustaining drip?

What if tomorrow I get out a new piece of paper and draw a different path, with different endings, with different sights and different loves?

What if…….I follow my own path,,,,listen to my heart,,,do my own thing?’

What if tomorrow I start over, again……and again and again?! ~Unknown~

“Green is the prime color of the world, and that from which its loveliness arises.” ~ Pedro Calderon de la Barca~

My Widowed Truths

Here we are, Exercise 19 of The Sandbox Writing Challenge. This week we had 2 prompts to choose from….

Shhhh! It’s a secret.

Last week’s Sandbox Writing Challenge was really an interesting one. It’s kind of eye opening to see what other people think and feel about themselves.

THIS week’s challenge is a little . . . hm . . . secretive? Take the challenge if you dare!

What have you done 

that no one knows about?

OR

Just in case you’re a bit TOO secretive about whatever THAT is, here’s an optional prompt sort of along similar lines…

What are you afraid of

exposing about yourself?

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What have you done 

that no one knows about?

I Have A Secret: I wanted to die.

I know I’ve touched on this before……..7 months after Jims death, I closed on my house (just celebrated that one year anniversary actually). For the first time since his death, I was ALONE. I was physically alone. I was alone with my grief and my pain. I was alone with my thoughts and my memories. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be without him. I started to think about and contemplated ending my life so I could be rid of the emptiness I was feeling. I just wanted to be with him. So I started to write my goodbye letters to my children. Over the course of the next couple of months, I continued to add to those letters whenever those ‘feelings’ came over me. I never went far enough into my ‘plan’ to actually have a plan, (though making some sort of cocktail did enter my mind) but oh there were moments that I just asked and prayed to be taken………until one day, it occurred to me, that those feelings of ending it stopped ‘appearing’. Somewhere along the way, I had stopped thinking about not wanting to exist and starting existing and slowly living. New Years Eve of this year, I ceremoniously burned those letters and have headed and taken on 2018 with new perspective……..

What are you afraid of

exposing about yourself?

I Have A Secret: I Like Being Alone

Yep…Hows that for exposing ones self?! Today Jim has been gone 83 weeks. I’ve just ‘celebrated’ my first full year of living here in my own home, in my own space. And while I admitted above my anxieties of those first months of being on my own for the very first time in my entire life……..I’m now finding I Like Being Alone. I like living alone. I like my own company. I like that I don’t have to be accountable to anyone but myself. Now don’t get me wrong…I LOVED my life with Jim and if I could have it back I would in a heartbeat. Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. So, while I see many a widow looking for their chapter 2, at this point in my life, the only relationship I want to have is with myself. I’m sharing a highlighted passage from one of my favorite books ‘beachcombing at miramar’. I always loved this….I always said I was comfortable with my aloneness, but that was so easy to say as I always had Jim. Now I’m living this solitary life. While Jim will Always be a part of me, a part of my heart and soul and spirit, at this juncture of my journey, it’s all about creating a new life for me, solitary when I need and want it to be…..and what lies around the next bend remains to be seen.

And for fun and your listening pleasure…some All American Rejects

Nature’s Music 🎶

I was awoken this morning by sun light streaming through my window and the beautiful musical sounds that only Nature can provide. Both were responsible for my getting out of bed and taking my coffee outside……

“All of nature begins to whisper its secrets to us through its sounds. Sounds that were previously incomprehensible to our Soul now become the meaningful language of nature.” ~Rudolf Steiner~

While sitting outside enjoying the morning coolness, I was inspired to put pencil to paper (which hasn’t been happening a lot lately…hoping this is the beginning of shaking the gray matter in my brain loose!) I also pulled out the paints….productive morning for me all the way around! YAY Me 😄

Morning Caw

Morning light is breaking

The birds are singing their morning song

When all of a sudden

A loud CAW begins ‘singing’ along.

I look out my window

On my tree he is perched

Glistening shiny black in the sunlight

Of Mother Natures Church.

A raucous greeting “Good Morning”

Is what my ear hears

The feather left behind

A gift I’ll hold dear…….

©lindafedroff_may14,2018