My Widowed Truths

Here we are, Exercise 19 of The Sandbox Writing Challenge. This week we had 2 prompts to choose from….

Shhhh! It’s a secret.

Last week’s Sandbox Writing Challenge was really an interesting one. It’s kind of eye opening to see what other people think and feel about themselves.

THIS week’s challenge is a little . . . hm . . . secretive? Take the challenge if you dare!

What have you done 

that no one knows about?

OR

Just in case you’re a bit TOO secretive about whatever THAT is, here’s an optional prompt sort of along similar lines…

What are you afraid of

exposing about yourself?

*********************************************************************

What have you done 

that no one knows about?

I Have A Secret: I wanted to die.

I know I’ve touched on this before……..7 months after Jims death, I closed on my house (just celebrated that one year anniversary actually). For the first time since his death, I was ALONE. I was physically alone. I was alone with my grief and my pain. I was alone with my thoughts and my memories. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be without him. I started to think about and contemplated ending my life so I could be rid of the emptiness I was feeling. I just wanted to be with him. So I started to write my goodbye letters to my children. Over the course of the next couple of months, I continued to add to those letters whenever those ‘feelings’ came over me. I never went far enough into my ‘plan’ to actually have a plan, (though making some sort of cocktail did enter my mind) but oh there were moments that I just asked and prayed to be taken………until one day, it occurred to me, that those feelings of ending it stopped ‘appearing’. Somewhere along the way, I had stopped thinking about not wanting to exist and starting existing and slowly living. New Years Eve of this year, I ceremoniously burned those letters and have headed and taken on 2018 with new perspective……..

What are you afraid of

exposing about yourself?

I Have A Secret: I Like Being Alone

Yep…Hows that for exposing ones self?! Today Jim has been gone 83 weeks. I’ve just ‘celebrated’ my first full year of living here in my own home, in my own space. And while I admitted above my anxieties of those first months of being on my own for the very first time in my entire life……..I’m now finding I Like Being Alone. I like living alone. I like my own company. I like that I don’t have to be accountable to anyone but myself. Now don’t get me wrong…I LOVED my life with Jim and if I could have it back I would in a heartbeat. Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. So, while I see many a widow looking for their chapter 2, at this point in my life, the only relationship I want to have is with myself. I’m sharing a highlighted passage from one of my favorite books ‘beachcombing at miramar’. I always loved this….I always said I was comfortable with my aloneness, but that was so easy to say as I always had Jim. Now I’m living this solitary life. While Jim will Always be a part of me, a part of my heart and soul and spirit, at this juncture of my journey, it’s all about creating a new life for me, solitary when I need and want it to be…..and what lies around the next bend remains to be seen.

And for fun and your listening pleasure…some All American Rejects

8 thoughts on “My Widowed Truths

  1. I think it is a sign of a totally healthy human when they are able to reside with themselves in complete comfort. How wonderful that you have reached that place.

  2. Pingback: Sandbox Writing Challenge 2018 — Exercise 19 | Impromptu Promptlings

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