Still Shackled

It’s hard to believe that we are 24 weeks into this dig over at The Sandbox Writing Challenge…..This week we are being taking back to the past with the following prompt: WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING ONTO FROM THE PAST? **********************************************************************************I have no clue as to what my response was during my first dig in the sandbox…..my immediate response this time was Guilt. Guilt for how I handled things during my first marriage. Realizing and coming to terms with the consequences of my actions, I had to take responsibility and be accountable for my choices. At the time, I wasn’t aware nor did I care about the ripple effect those choices had on my children. When the time came and I was able to make amends, I asked and was given the forgiveness I needed from them. At least on the surface…..The guilt, though, has a habit of resurfacing, especially via my youngest, and for some reason, I always allow it. When she’s in the midst of one of her meltdowns as I call them, she reminds me of how I failed her. I allow her to rip the scabs off those old wounds, so I can hurt, because I know she is hurting. I know she is responsible now for her own happiness, for learning how to deal with her ‘stuff’ just as I have had to and still do, yet the guilt is always there, just below the surface. I try my damnedest to ‘make up’ for the choices I made that so affected her, but no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’m always the one who gets the brunt of her wrath. Will it always be this way? I sure as hell hope not….I know it falls directly on me. I have the power within to make the choice to let it go…yet I continually punish myself and feel it is my cross to bear *sigh* Well, the one positive in all this is I’m very much aware of it 😳 Now I just need to grab the keys and unlock the door to my self imposed prison and set myself free once and for all 🗝[photos via Pixabay]

16 thoughts on “Still Shackled

  1. Releasing oneself from guilt is much easier said than done. But, if attempts to atone for mistakes have been made and sincere apologies have been stated, it’s really a useless emotion.

  2. Pingback: The Sandbox Writing Challenge 2018 — Exercise 24 | Impromptu Promptlings

  3. Oh girl, how I hear ya. Forgiving ourselves is so hard compared to forgiving others. Even WHEN the people we feel we’ve wronged have long since forgiven us. If you find a magic formula for self-forgiveness, please let me know!!! 😪

  4. Totally feel ya here – the guilt thing robbed my joy for so many years. Then I heard a quote (used on my own Sandbox answer) which helped a lot and I pretty much read it daily: “Forgive yourself for not having the foresight to know what now seems so obvious with hindsight.” Judy Belmont. Daughters are tough. They are constantly trying to prove they are NOT us. =) And I’m so glad they’re not. I decided, “Okay — I’ll gladly be that terrible warning if it means you’ll shine my girl.” Eventually I forgave my own mom but it took many years (and that forgiveness thing is still on repeat here). My mom and I see the world really differently but we’ve become friends. I don’t know if my daughters and I will ever be friends but I hope so. I hold on to that hope because I love them all so much. When my oldest had her own daughter, she changed toward me quite a bit. Hang in there Ma and let go of that guilt. You did the best you could with the knowledge and information you had at the time. ♥.

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