My Journey Continues……

Well, I’m now one week into my second year without Jim.

As I reflect back on my year of firsts journey, I see it as a year of drastic change and a year of survival. It was a year of unexpected loss, extreme grief and pain. It was a year of discovering an inner strength and intuition I could draw on to help guide me along a road I wasn’t prepared for.

It was a year of loss…so much loss. Not only did I lose my husband..but many friendships fell away just as the days did.

I learned, in that first year, how to let go…

Last year’s road was also one of humility, Blessings and Hope. Of Love and Support. From those who knew me(us) and those who didn’t. Earth Angels abound 🙏

It was a year that my love continued to grow for Jim. True love doesn’t die just because the recipient of that love is no longer physically here. Our love transcends time and always will…….

As I enter my year of ‘twos’, I somehow feel a bit lighter.

Free-er even. It’s as if that year of firsts was a chain, and as I lived and grieved through each ‘first’, a link of that chain broke away. I miss my husband. I miss him awful. But I ‘hear’ him telling me, “it’s time Linda, it’s your time. Shine. I’m with you and I always will be.”……

I know it’s time to start living again. Not just exist, but live. The threads that bind us together have not lost their weave……They’ve just loosened a little……enough for me to move forward without holding on to a past that can’t be lived again….

With all that said. The pain is still there. Tears still fall. And ya know what? That’s Okay. “It okay to just be okay” … has become a little mantra of mine.

(The quote [a Danish Proverb] below is one I shared a few years ago. It was in reference to my grandmothers birthday on October 19….she’s been warching over me for a long time now ❤🍁)

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My Guardians 💚🌳

It’s a BEAUTIFUL AUTUMN DAY here in North Carolina. I’m embracing the beauty of this day and am feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude to my Jim. It’s because of him and his continued love and ‘gifts’ that I can live this life and soak it all in……..these amazing trees, I see them as my ‘guardians’. 💚🌳 The healing power of trees..it’s real!

I look up

I’m surrounded

By the old ones

Peace and comfort

Is their gift to me

I open my heart

I open my soul

I hear their whispers

My story unfolds

Beneath their branches

My arms encircle

I feel their ‘life’ flowing

I find hope

And I find

A calming sanctuary

©lindafedroff_october18,2017

For Crow’s Sake…..

Sitting all alone

On my back porch one day

You stopped by for a visit

And you didn’t fly away…

You hung around with me that day

Your feathers iridescent in the sun

I pondered your meaning

And what was to become………..

©lindafedroff_october2017

Since I’ve moved here, I’ve been visited, almost daily by a ‘murder’ of crows….but on Friday (which was the 51st week since Jim died) I hade one lone visitor……

I’m not sure if this was a youngster who was visiting. But (s)he made him/her self right at home. Spent the afternoon under my bird feeder, foraging away, and then (s)he snuggled down….I got to thinking that maybe (s)he was hurt.

As twilight was approaching, I started to worry more so as (s)he was showing no signs of leaving….I was sitting on my back steps, sipping my wine, clicking my tongue and ‘talking’ softly to this Crow when out of the brush a Cardinal landed on top of the bird feeder…so now I’m sitting there, with the last of sunlight sinking low, with these beautiful feathered beings gifting me with their presence…..I couldn’t help but smile and Believe these were signs for me on what was day 357 since Jim died.

I did finally get up to approach the Crow. If it was really hurt and couldn’t fly, I couldn’t leave it there knowing there are foxes and cats around that would have gladly made him a meal….he hopped away a bit, seeming to have some struggle trying to get lift off…but Finally was able to take flight and make it to the top of a nearby tree……..as of now, I’ve not had another visit…..but

This was an amazing Spiritual encounter. A gift.

Secrets of Crow Meaning ~

Crow is the keeper of the Sacred Law, the ancient magic and divination.

Crow is appearing for you to beckon you to begin to use your “second sight”… the silent sight, your 6th sense … the gift of clairvoyance in particular, which is the gift to see into the spirit realms.

Nothing escapes the keen sight of the Crow, both in the physical and metaphysical realms.

As the custodian of ancient magical laws and wisdom, when the Crow calls to us we have an instant flash of our authentic self, the Crow sees our soul~self, and her call echoes deep within the body as we try to remember the language that she speaks.

As we enter the new era, The Crow is bringing a message today of  “the passing” of the old, and the birth of something new!  This is a significant totem energy from the crow.

When Crow brings a message from a deceased loved one it is a profound confirmation and symbolism of rebirth for your loved one on the other side. the passing of the old and the awakening of the new.

This Blessing from the Crow comes to all that should choose to accept it.

Cardinal Symbolism. . .  The beautiful red Cardinal bird is symbolic of power, wealth, and enthusiasm. Cardinal has come to you offering you blessings in a sacred song, the song of the Cardinal is. . . feel the flow of nature and the natural rhythms of the planet and your spirit. . . fall into flow with yourself. . .  trust your power, this is your gift from above . . . emanate your true essence. . . this is the core of your power. . . fall in love with your life and naturally your spirit will shine.

Happy Autumnal Equinox 🍂🍁

My Favorite Season has, well almost, officially arrived..Ok…so ‘officially’ autumn doesn’t start 4:02 pm EDT … semantics 😄

I was up way before the sun……determined to welcome autumn in my own special way. Coffee and notebook in hand, I hung with my tree. 🍁

As the birds awakened and the sky was slowly getting lighter, I couldn’t help but think of all the sunrises Jim and I were Blessed to witness together…and though he’s physically not here, I feel his presence ❤

With my arms wide open

I welcome the dawn

On the first

Of this

Autumn morn..

The sky lightens

The birds they sing

Welcoming the Equinox

And the changes it brings…

The trees dance on the breeze

As the sun begins to rise

Sky gets brighter

Morning has broken

Autumn arrives…….

©lindafedroff_sept2017

Solitude vs. Loneliness

green

Solitude:

noun

1.

the state of being or living alone; seclusion:

to enjoy one’s solitude.

2.

remoteness from habitations, as of a place; absence of human activity:

the solitude of the mountains.

3.

a lonely, unfrequented place:

a solitude in the mountains.

 

From <http://www.dictionary.com/browse/solitude?s=t>

 

Loneliness:

 

adjective, lonelier, loneliest.

1.

affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.

2.

destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.:

a lonely exile.

3.

lone; solitary; without company; companionless.

4.

remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak:

a lonely road.

5.

standing apart; isolated:

a lonely tower.

 

It is said that time heals…the pain lessens. Today is 326 days since I’ve started this journey of grief and widowhood. The pain has not lessened. The emptiness remains. I have a few companions that have been a part of this journey for quite sometime now, though the role of one has changed considerably over the last 326 days………

Solitude and Loneliness

2 words which when one reads their meanings via the dictionary, are very close relatives in their meanings….

To me, whenever I utter the word Solitude, it brings about feelings of peace, of calmness. I’ve always needed my solitude, craved it and was/is selfish in my need for it. I still need it. Even in this new life of mine, I need my solitude. My Soul Strolls through the parks of my new ‘home’ town, as busy as they are, I can still find places to ‘hide’ amongst the trees. The solitude I experience and am blessed with in my own backyard helps me heal the parts of me that are still broken………..

Loneliness is a whole different feeling. I know what it’s like to be a child, shunned and pushed aside. Forgotten and passed over. As an adult, I know what loneliness feels like to live in a house with ones family, and in the midst of raising that family, feel and be very much alone. The loneliness I’m living and experiencing now is the most painful I’ve had to live with. I’ve said in the past that I am comfortable in my aloneness and have found that I was kidding myself with that. I was comfortable with it because of Jim. It was easy to speak and believe those words as I lived my days as a WE, an US.

Now, as I go about my days, solitude helps me heal, but as the day turns into early evening; dusk, as the light begins to fade, as the minutes tick away, and darkness descends, it brings loneliness along. Its there in the shadows, inevitably, it takes hold of my soul and squeezes tight. Loneliness has become my companion. Where it used to be conversation and laughter, or comfortable silence between us, my truth is, I am no longer us. I am me, and as the sun sets, I am alone.

While solitude is a welcomed companion, loneliness is an unwanted one. Yet every evening, it comes calling. I try hard to slam the door on it, to not let it in, yet it finds a way. I do my best to ignore its presence, fixating my attention on a program or book. But it insists on my attention, finding ways of distracting me, pulling me in to its clutches. Oh there are nights I beat it back, beat it back good, but the fact remains, no matter how busy I keep myself in the light of day, I can’t always outrun and hide from it when the sun sets…………so when I’m in its clutches, I allow myself to live it and feel it, I succumb to it and let it have its way. I have found that by doing so, its need for me lessens, at least for a little while………….

shadows