My Awakening…..

Well folks, after 307 days, I’m emerging from my Fog. It took some time, but I’m beginning to see things through different, clearer eyes. A few ah-ha moments, a whole lotta tears have helped me break-through some of my self-imposed barriers that I didn’t even really know were there……….this song popped up this morning and then these words just spilled out….

 

My Awakening….

 

He called me out on it…

He helped me to see.

Though I wasn’t living in the past

The present was lost to me….

 

I was holding on to ‘our’ dreams

Afraid to let go

Afraid if I did that

I’d have no where to go….

 

But that wasn’t the truth

Cause by letting go

I was giving myself permission

To move forward on my own…

 

My happiness I was attaching

To his memory

Unfair on all accounts

But mostly unfair to me..

 

I am responsible for my happiness

I am responsible for my life..

Letting go and moving on

Is also my right…

 

Doesn’t mean our love is gone

Not a chance in hell of that

But he is there and I am here

And that is just a fact….

 

I’m coming out of the Fog

Seeing a new path..

Many forks and detours

But Im drawing up my map…

 

Clarity is an amazing thing

With open eyes and heart

My Spirit is Awakening

I’m ready to start……

I’M READY TO FLY

@lindafedroff_august2017

Jim will always be with me…his guidance I’ll always look for. But, I am wholly responsible for my happiness. I’ve been telling myself that happiness is unattainable to me, that I may never be happy again…how unfair that is to myself….how unfair to Jims memory. As I move forward, living my now according to Linda and not Linda & Jim, I will look within, I will make peace and I will live.

Special thanks to Lady Calen for Always being there since this journey started, hell before it started…you’ve held my hand so to speak…you listened and still you don’t think I’m crazy!!! 😄

T….you’ve known me a long time. Thank you for not treating me with kid gloves…and for that bit of tough love. I know you loved making me speechless!! 😄

Time Marches On….

Today is day 290 since Jim died. I know the day will come when I stop counting….or at least I hope so 😔
In the meantime..I count…I grieve. I laugh. I cry. I write………and I finally blew the dust off my Nikon. It's time.
Took myself over to Joyner and walked a bit….took a few pics, then sat under a tree and wrote…..


Last day of July
That’s another full month without you.
As I sit here
Life is happening all around me.
Though I'm crying inside,
The beauty and gifts of this day
Are not lost to me….
I'm grateful for the breeze that’s
Whispering through the trees…
To the dragonfly and butterfly
Who's dance I was gifted to be
Witness to….
Bird song being sung
By an eclectic choir
While the cicadas add their
Own pitch to the magical
Music of Nature…..

While I sit here
Thinking of you….
Still crying my silent tears..
I close my eyes…..
I 'feel' your caress
AND
'hear' your whispers
As the breeze softly blows
Through the branches of the
Trees……

Another month without you….
Somehow I've made it through……

Tears…Nature=Healing

Week 41…Day 287 Since Jim gained his wings. I'm still counting my days by how long he's been gone. I'm amazed at how fast the time has flown by. I hear from other widowers who say the days drag by for them, almost at a stand-still. They're immobilized by their pain and grief. One thing I've learned through this journey , is there is no 'right' way to grieve. We all may be traveling a similar road, but our journeys are our own………

I was asked by a fellow blogger, if I've had days where I've wanted to just curl up and not move. I can honestly say no, that has not happened to me……….I believe a part of it is because Jim and I were such Morning people…loving our sunrises. I can't NOT get up and greet the new day. As much as I hurt and ache for him, I can't lose sight of the gift that the new day is…..and his love, well, that's a gift that keeps on giving, even from where he is. I can feel it

This was my view yesterday morning from my bed…..how can I not want to get up and greet the new day?!?! I make my coffee, I sit outside, and we 'chat'.

Does he hear me…..of course he does……how do I know????? That's easy.

This place I'm now calling home, is definitely helping me along….surrounded by 'my trees' , they're getting to know me and I them….I know they hear my cries. There is no judgement, I can just let the tears flow, knowing they listen…….and each time my tears fall, it's a cleansing of my soul…and with each cleansing, I heal a little bit more.

And what does one do once they've purged themselves of some pain? Collect some of the many pinecones of course….

And then some rocks….

Rebirth

These words came about because of this photo I took this morning while cutting the grass. With as many walks as I’ve taken around my little piece of property, this was the first I noticed this growing out of a dead, broken stump. The first thing that came to mind was: From death, new growth starts….which led me to think of Rebirth…….and then this popped in my head….

“Then one day, she realized, she was healing. Her heart was slowly mending. Her soul started to shine.”

And then this photo came to be…love the shadows. I know this is where I’m suppose to be…..

Green 💚🌳

When one is having a meltdown….one walks…..and breathes…and takes in ‘the green’ and is Grateful 💚🌳🙏



Grant me the ability to be alone,

May it be my custom to go outdoors each day

among the trees and grasses

among all growing things

and there may I be alone,

and enter into prayer

to talk with the one

that I belong to.

~Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlav~