Today My Heart Hurts 💔

Today is 20 months…608 says….since I last saw him ❤

Time has not stopped. The sun still rises, and I greet each new sunrise with a grateful heart. The sun still sets, and with the setting of the sun, I end my day with a grateful heart. My inbetween, well each day is different. More good days, some just ok days. The bad days, still have them….and when I do, I allow myself to feel that grief and pain and sadness………..

Today my heart hurts. I miss him. Always I Miss Him. But, I’m so grateful for these memories and the opportunity to share them..which I will do till I draw my last breath..even though there are those folks out there who think we shouldn’t, as long as I’m breathing I will talk and share my memories of my Jim……

Life is different

Without you here.

Yet,

Although I can’t see you

I feel you are near….

The pain of losing you

Is one I can’t bare.

Yet,

I choose to celebrate us

And the love that we share.

©lindafedroff_november2016

(Thank you FB for the reminders…a morning we spent together (3 years ago today) at ‘our’ beach’ ❤)

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Unfinished Business 📝

Well, here we are….Exercise 21 of The Sandbox Writing Challenge.

This weeks prompt is…………..

What have you left undone?

Dang, what isn’t left undone?!?

Ok…..let me see…there’s that photography coffee table book that I’ve been wanting to do for, hmmmmmmmmm 🤔🤔🤔🤔 must be going on 7 years now. Then there’s my other book, the one that incorporates my words with my photos. See in the beginning, I didn’t think or believe I had anything to say or that I could possibly write, or that anyone would listen or be interested or want to read anything I had to share……….I had and still have a few cheerleaders and believers in my corner. One of those people, who was there ‘in the beginning’ is someone I care for and trust and I aspire to be like. She was a news anchor who is now, not only a published author, she is a life coach. Along with a fellow writer, they are hosting a write/publish/promote weekend in August. I’m interested, there’s no doubt about that. A weekend away and the opportunity to work with these amazing women in a beautiful serene setting would be wonderful. But I’m sitting here second guessing myself and my abilities once again. I guess I’m struggling with my own self-confidence and the fear of failure. The fee isn’t cheap. So I am asking myself-Am I worth the investment?!?

“Your Life Is Happening Right Now: Don’t let procrastination take over your life. Be brave and take risks. Your life is happening right now.” ~Roy T. Bennett~

To Be Continued……….which means I have not made a decision yet 😬

Take A Seat..Sit Back..And Listen…I’ve Got Something To Say…

Welcome back to The Sandbox Writing Challenge-Exercise 16. Now that we’ve gotten our warm-up exercises out of the way, it’s time to “dig in” a little deeper and see what we can “unearth” in Part 2.

I am deliberately leaving out the other reviews and warming up exercises as I don’t feel they were of much help when we did them before. But I am going to add a little something in. Fimnora has suggested that anyone who would like could “donate” a prompt of their own for the rest of us to answer. I think that’s a very INTERESTING idea. So if ANY OF YOU have a prompt you’d like to see us work with, please drop me a note and we’ll work them in!

In the meantime, I’ve seen this exercise used before in grief therapy. His nibs used it when he was in counseling after the death of my parents. It usually involves a person who has passed on. Interestingly, Roberta Allen doesn’t put any qualifiers on who this person should be — gone or here. Must admit I’m puzzled. Fimnora swore I would know who to write about when I sat down to do it last time!!! I don’t remember who iit was! So here we go…

I actually do remember who I wrote about my first go round in the Sandbox, my Aunt Barbara. Obviously, this go round, it will be My Jim sitting in the chair…all comfy, puffing away on his pipe, giving me his full attention………thankfully, we communicated and shared our feelings, so we both knew we were loved and adored by each other. So what is it I would say to him, that I NEVER SAID before……………

 

 

Well Babe, here’s the deal…..Life Without You Sucks. Period.

 We spoke of our mortality/immortality often..believing we would have more time…but the reality is, if you are a part of a couple, one of you is going to die first, and though I/we always knew that, your sudden departure knocked my world off its axis.

I NEVER would have believed That as of today, I have survived 80 weeks without you…that’s 560 days Jim!!! I always said I wanted to go first, that the thought of living without you was something I couldn’t do……Yet, from the moment I heard you were gone, (which by the way I already knew), those thoughts of mixing a cocktail and doing myself in never entered my mind, not at first. Yes, I did eventually think about it, fleeting as they were. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if I Ever did that and succeeded, instead of greeting me happily, you’d kicked my ass from one end of the galaxy to the other…..that is not the way I want our reunion to be.

 

So, here I am, 80 weeks into this journey Babe. I’ve been on my own emotional rollercoaster, and you know how much I dislike that ride….but not only have I held on, I’ve conquered that sucker! I have no idea where this journey is going to take me, but because of you, your love and your constant encouragement and belief in me, I’m gonna make it. I know you’re proud of me. I also know you may not recognize this Linda I’m becoming, but I know you approve.

 

So….while life here still sucks without you…I’m going to continue to live this life you’ve gifted me with and Live It Out Freakin’ Loud!!!!!

 

Now, I’d like to read aloud, something I wrote for you……

 

I MISS…

YOUR BEAUTIFUL HEART

I MISS…

YOUR SMILE

I MISS…

YOUR DEEP FROM THE BELLY LAUGH

I MISS…

YOU HUSBAND…..

 

ALL THE WHILE….

 

I TRY TO MOVE FORWARD

AND LIVE EVERYDAY

IN A WAY THAT MAKES YOU PROUD

I CAN ALMOST HEAR YOU SAY…

 

“YOU’VE GOT THIS LINDA BABE

I BELIEVE IN YOU

GET YOUR ASS OUT THERE

THERE ARE THINGS FOR YOU TO DO

©lindafedroff_april2018

 

So Husband, what do you think of that???

 

I. LOVE. YOU.

ALWAYS AND FOREVER ❤

Circles…No Beginning – No End

This weeks installment of The Sandbox Writing Challenge – Exercise 12, 2018 is as follows:

How does this relate to your life?

Imagine finding this figure drawn in the sand.

Is it a circle?

A zero?

The letter “O”?

Relate this figure to your life.

What does it me to you?

*****************************************************************************************

Of course when I first read this weeks prompt, my mind went immediately to singing CIRCLES IN THE SAND by Belinda Carlisle. Though it doesn’t necessarily pertain to my post, I’m sharing it anyway, y’all may as well join me in singing it 😊

It’s been almost 11 months now since I purchased my home and property here in North Carolina. This place was, as I was at the time, an empty shell. Like myself having to find a new way to live, it was time to furnish this place with little parts of the me I was becoming in this new role as Widow……………..quite by accident and with no real conscious thought at first, I began choosing things, the common denominator, CIRCLES.

Even in my painting….dots and some semblance of circles make their appearance.

There is no beginning

There is no end

These circles –

Reflections of my

Eternal Love for him.

©lindafedroff2018

“Let’s Run in the circle, opposite to each other. Until we are thrown into the sky by the storm swirling in between us. I’ll hold your hands and I’ll hug you, let me be your wings. Let’s fall on that clouds and let’s dance on the rainbow. Let’s bore a hole in that sky until we fall back to the sea with the rain. And Let’s swim back to the shore, to play the game of circle again.”

― Akshay Vasu

Sounds Of Silence

Another week, and another go-round at The Sandbox Writing Challenge

Week 10’s challenge is to answer the question:

WHAT FASCINATES ME?

As I sit here pondering that question, I’ve decided to pull up the definition of fascinate………this was meaning number one……….

1. to attract and hold attentively by a unique power, personal charm, unusual nature, or some other special quality; enthrall: a vivacity that fascinated the audience.

So, now I have the definition…..I’m still sitting here, with the window open, listening to the wind whipping through the trees….and still pondering as to what ‘enthralls’ me at this moment in my life (I’ve got a case of widow blues going on 😞) but then……..LIGHT BULB MOMENT 💡

THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE

I know, if I’m listening to sounds, how is that silence. For whatever reason I don’t consider nature to be noise. So for me it fits into my own personal definition of Silence. Be it the wind, rain, bird song, crashing waves, the peepers at night, I attribute all to my quiet time. Nature’s silence is soothing. It also makes me feel alive. It’s my elixir. My healer. So for me, what fascinates this gal right now, is the Sounds Of Silence.