My Widowed Truths

Here we are, Exercise 19 of The Sandbox Writing Challenge. This week we had 2 prompts to choose from….

Shhhh! It’s a secret.

Last week’s Sandbox Writing Challenge was really an interesting one. It’s kind of eye opening to see what other people think and feel about themselves.

THIS week’s challenge is a little . . . hm . . . secretive? Take the challenge if you dare!

What have you done 

that no one knows about?

OR

Just in case you’re a bit TOO secretive about whatever THAT is, here’s an optional prompt sort of along similar lines…

What are you afraid of

exposing about yourself?

*********************************************************************

What have you done 

that no one knows about?

I Have A Secret: I wanted to die.

I know I’ve touched on this before……..7 months after Jims death, I closed on my house (just celebrated that one year anniversary actually). For the first time since his death, I was ALONE. I was physically alone. I was alone with my grief and my pain. I was alone with my thoughts and my memories. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be without him. I started to think about and contemplated ending my life so I could be rid of the emptiness I was feeling. I just wanted to be with him. So I started to write my goodbye letters to my children. Over the course of the next couple of months, I continued to add to those letters whenever those ‘feelings’ came over me. I never went far enough into my ‘plan’ to actually have a plan, (though making some sort of cocktail did enter my mind) but oh there were moments that I just asked and prayed to be taken………until one day, it occurred to me, that those feelings of ending it stopped ‘appearing’. Somewhere along the way, I had stopped thinking about not wanting to exist and starting existing and slowly living. New Years Eve of this year, I ceremoniously burned those letters and have headed and taken on 2018 with new perspective……..

What are you afraid of

exposing about yourself?

I Have A Secret: I Like Being Alone

Yep…Hows that for exposing ones self?! Today Jim has been gone 83 weeks. I’ve just ‘celebrated’ my first full year of living here in my own home, in my own space. And while I admitted above my anxieties of those first months of being on my own for the very first time in my entire life……..I’m now finding I Like Being Alone. I like living alone. I like my own company. I like that I don’t have to be accountable to anyone but myself. Now don’t get me wrong…I LOVED my life with Jim and if I could have it back I would in a heartbeat. Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. So, while I see many a widow looking for their chapter 2, at this point in my life, the only relationship I want to have is with myself. I’m sharing a highlighted passage from one of my favorite books ‘beachcombing at miramar’. I always loved this….I always said I was comfortable with my aloneness, but that was so easy to say as I always had Jim. Now I’m living this solitary life. While Jim will Always be a part of me, a part of my heart and soul and spirit, at this juncture of my journey, it’s all about creating a new life for me, solitary when I need and want it to be…..and what lies around the next bend remains to be seen.

And for fun and your listening pleasure…some All American Rejects

Advertisements

My Love

Alrighty….it is now time for Exercise 11 of the Sandbox Writing Challenge. This weeks prompt is as follows:

WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL LOVED?

HIM.

“It was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. ~Judy Garland~

“It’s clear to me now that I have been moving toward you and you toward me for a long time. Though neither of us was aware of the other before we met, there was a kind of mindless certainty bumming blithely along beneath our ignorance that ensured we would come together. Like two solitary birds flying the great prairies by celestial reckoning, all of these years and lifetimes we have been moving toward one another.” ~Robert James Waller, Bridges Of Madison County~

It’s been 75 weeks now since Jim gained his wings and left this earth. What I have discovered over the course of my widowed journey is that LOVE GOES ON and IT CONTINUES TO GROW. Our Love didn’t die with Jim. Instead it transcends time and space……..How do I know that, you may ask. How can I not?

I FEEL IT. Just as surely as if he was sitting here next to me. While here with me, he promised to always take care of me. From where he is now, he is keeping his promise to me. With a Grateful and Thankful and humbled Heart I feel and know his love.

It’s that Love that I draw strength and comfort from.

TOGETHER, WE BUILT

A FOUNDATION OF LOVE.

A LOVE STRONG ENOUGH

TO HOLD US TOGETHER

THROUGH ETERNITY

©lindafedroff

MCM…Ed Sheeran

I cannot get enough of listening…….Ladies your welcome……

Men, stop what your doing, grab your lady and DANCE. You won’t regret it. I’m grateful for the memories of Jim and I dancing in the kitchen by the glow of the over-the-stove hood light.

The bittersweet truth …the life of this widow is spent dancing with his keepsake urn and memories……

So,,,stop what your doing and DANCE..SLOW.

Miss you Husband…will be dancing with you in my dreams!!

19653_264728931272_1708311_n

 

I’m An Overcomer!!

Yesssssssss…I Am!

You ever come across a song that just resonates with you?!?! Well that happened a few days ago. I was playing around with the search button trying to find a radio station to listen to. It stopped, and this song came on…OVERCOMER. Turns out the radio station was KLOVE and the singer was MANDISA (of American Idol fame). She actually was a fav of mine back then. Not a listener of gospel music per se, I hadn’t heard much of her over the years……..ANYWAY, This song! It’s in my head….got home and YOUTUBE it! Holy Moly!

Downloaded it to my ITunes….it’s put a skip to my step…literally. Got some looks while dance/walking yesterday from my neighbors..lol

It also got me thinking…a lot. We’re all dealing with ‘stuff’. When I’m in the midst of my pain and darkness, it’s easy to forget that there are others out there struggling right along with me, through their own grief and pain. Whether it’s loss, addiction, sickness….we all have our crosses to bear, our walks to walk, our ‘stuff’ to OVERCOME. I’m not making light of my journey or anyone else’s. More to the point, I’m humbled and inspired by the strength of others who overcame their own obstacles and journeys. (That would be YOU).

Today is day 418 since my life changed and a new journey was laid out before me. In that time, though I’ve privately bottomed out with my grief, I’ve also kept going. And I will continue to do so. And when I hit a snag, I’ll work my way through it, cause I know I’m not alone.

Yes…my life has changed. I see things through a widow’s eyes. I feel things with a widow’s heart. But I was and still am loved. And I have a whole lotta living to do!!

My Awakening…..

Well folks, after 307 days, I’m emerging from my Fog. It took some time, but I’m beginning to see things through different, clearer eyes. A few ah-ha moments, a whole lotta tears have helped me break-through some of my self-imposed barriers that I didn’t even really know were there……….this song popped up this morning and then these words just spilled out….

 

My Awakening….

 

He called me out on it…

He helped me to see.

Though I wasn’t living in the past

The present was lost to me….

 

I was holding on to ‘our’ dreams

Afraid to let go

Afraid if I did that

I’d have no where to go….

 

But that wasn’t the truth

Cause by letting go

I was giving myself permission

To move forward on my own…

 

My happiness I was attaching

To his memory

Unfair on all accounts

But mostly unfair to me..

 

I am responsible for my happiness

I am responsible for my life..

Letting go and moving on

Is also my right…

 

Doesn’t mean our love is gone

Not a chance in hell of that

But he is there and I am here

And that is just a fact….

 

I’m coming out of the Fog

Seeing a new path..

Many forks and detours

But Im drawing up my map…

 

Clarity is an amazing thing

With open eyes and heart

My Spirit is Awakening

I’m ready to start……

I’M READY TO FLY

@lindafedroff_august2017

Jim will always be with me…his guidance I’ll always look for. But, I am wholly responsible for my happiness. I’ve been telling myself that happiness is unattainable to me, that I may never be happy again…how unfair that is to myself….how unfair to Jims memory. As I move forward, living my now according to Linda and not Linda & Jim, I will look within, I will make peace and I will live.

Special thanks to Lady Calen for Always being there since this journey started, hell before it started…you’ve held my hand so to speak…you listened and still you don’t think I’m crazy!!! 😄

T….you’ve known me a long time. Thank you for not treating me with kid gloves…and for that bit of tough love. I know you loved making me speechless!! 😄