Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving, my second without Jim, will be difficult and very different for me, again.

There is no turkey on the Weber….no pipe smoke wafting in through the window. No sunrise mimosas on the beach. No delivering baked goods to the base……..these are my memories of Thanksgiving past. Ones I am Grateful for.

Today, new memories will be made. Today I’m Thankful to spend this Thanksgiving with a crew of amazing young people and their families…..meaning lots of little ones!!! I am Grateful.

I will shed my tears, but they will be shed with a Grateful heart……for I am Blessed with a Love that transcends time and space. Yes I mourn what is lost, but I also celebrate.

I am Thankful. I Am Blessed.

“I continue to open my heart to the world, a heart that though still broken, is coming back together.”

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My Awakening…..

Well folks, after 307 days, I’m emerging from my Fog. It took some time, but I’m beginning to see things through different, clearer eyes. A few ah-ha moments, a whole lotta tears have helped me break-through some of my self-imposed barriers that I didn’t even really know were there……….this song popped up this morning and then these words just spilled out….

 

My Awakening….

 

He called me out on it…

He helped me to see.

Though I wasn’t living in the past

The present was lost to me….

 

I was holding on to ‘our’ dreams

Afraid to let go

Afraid if I did that

I’d have no where to go….

 

But that wasn’t the truth

Cause by letting go

I was giving myself permission

To move forward on my own…

 

My happiness I was attaching

To his memory

Unfair on all accounts

But mostly unfair to me..

 

I am responsible for my happiness

I am responsible for my life..

Letting go and moving on

Is also my right…

 

Doesn’t mean our love is gone

Not a chance in hell of that

But he is there and I am here

And that is just a fact….

 

I’m coming out of the Fog

Seeing a new path..

Many forks and detours

But Im drawing up my map…

 

Clarity is an amazing thing

With open eyes and heart

My Spirit is Awakening

I’m ready to start……

I’M READY TO FLY

@lindafedroff_august2017

Jim will always be with me…his guidance I’ll always look for. But, I am wholly responsible for my happiness. I’ve been telling myself that happiness is unattainable to me, that I may never be happy again…how unfair that is to myself….how unfair to Jims memory. As I move forward, living my now according to Linda and not Linda & Jim, I will look within, I will make peace and I will live.

Special thanks to Lady Calen for Always being there since this journey started, hell before it started…you’ve held my hand so to speak…you listened and still you don’t think I’m crazy!!! 😄

T….you’ve known me a long time. Thank you for not treating me with kid gloves…and for that bit of tough love. I know you loved making me speechless!! 😄

So Many Questions….

Wandering the perimeter of my property…
Slowly, one foot in front of the other…
Looking up at the trees.
The sky, growing lighter with each passing second.

My mind is wandering also. Not in-sync with my footsteps
Instead,
It’s wandering a path of its own…
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
How the hell am I suppose to move on?

I got to thinking about a favorite quote of mine…

“I WANT OUT OF LABELS. I DONT WANT MY LIFE CRAMMED INTO A SINGLE WORD OR STORY. I WANT TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE, UNKNOWABLE. SOME PLACE TO BE THATS NOT ON THE MAP. A REAL ADVENTURE. A MYSTERY. A. BLANK. UNKNOWN. UNDEFINED. ~chuck palahniuk~

I never really asked myself why I felt pulled to this quote except I knew it fit with my perception of the wandering gypsy I often daydreamed myself to be/wanted to be someday. It was easy to sit and Pinterest and journal my daydreams of travel and solitude knowing I was ‘HOME’ safely with Jim. … and he was always in the periphery of my daydreams. He was Always there….

So, Again, the questions.
Who Am I?
What do I do with myself now?
Where do I go, or better yet, where do I Want to go?
When? Today, tomorrow, next week? If I know one thing, it’s that life doesn’t wait or stop…
It just keeps on moving and passing by.
How? Admittedly, I’m scared. I’m scared of this new life. I’m finding I’m becoming what I didn’t want to become..a prisoner of myself, of my fears.
Why? Why? Why?

I know. I know. In some ways, some would think, ‘way to be you’. It’s nice to have those problems?!? For the first time, in my life, I’ve no one to ‘think about’ but myself. I don’t need anyone’s opinion or permission……….yet, here I sit. In some ways, immobilized by my fear……that same UNKNOWNABLE…MYSTERY…ADVENTURE that I’ve always craved, and in some ways is within hands reach now, scares the bejesus out of me…………

Today, I ponder. Today, I’ll paint……….and today I’ll keep dreaming that dream of wanderlust, in hopes that I’ll one day overcome my fear and step off my self-imposed cliff and try out these wings of mine.

Photo: via Pinterest

Green 💚🌳

When one is having a meltdown….one walks…..and breathes…and takes in ‘the green’ and is Grateful 💚🌳🙏



Grant me the ability to be alone,

May it be my custom to go outdoors each day

among the trees and grasses

among all growing things

and there may I be alone,

and enter into prayer

to talk with the one

that I belong to.

~Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlav~


Embracing My Inner White Rabbit 🐰

Gotta love the timing of this!!! Just yesterday, I was looking at some old AIW prints. Almost bought them, but the dragonfly prints won out while telling myself Next Time I’ll get the Alice prints! 

Over the course of the last few years, starting with my adventure and journey of finding my voice via the Sandbox Writing Challenge, I learned to embrace what I thought of as my ‘madness’ and now see myself as thoroughly ‘sane’ within my own little world…..I brushed off most of the ash, some remain as reminder of the hell I went through and what I now see as a trophy as to have far I’ve come………..

Via Pinterest



“As madness becomes a taste of the saneness you’ve been yearning for

you lit the match which enlightened what was supposed to be.

While brushing away the ash, making space for what is spinning — an incantation to yourself that started with

A scream,

A shock,

A surprise, and ended with an eventual whisper into your own ears saying

Surrender, it’s okay, and float instead of fall.”
***************************************************************

Jim was always telling me to follow my own path………the last few weeks, as I’ve been settling in to my new home and space, and things have somewhat quieted down, I’m hearing the beginnings of ‘whispers’ …. its time to go back down My Rabbit Hole‘ …. it’s time and I’m ready to Leap. 

Via Pinterest


“Perhaps if you are reminded that the rabbit hole lives within you

And that you are the timekeeper

Your own White Rabbit

The cartographer of your own map

All will be right if you just allow yourself…

… Leap.” 
I. LOVE. THIS! 
You Are Your Own Rabbit (full article)