My Awakening…..

Well folks, after 307 days, I’m emerging from my Fog. It took some time, but I’m beginning to see things through different, clearer eyes. A few ah-ha moments, a whole lotta tears have helped me break-through some of my self-imposed barriers that I didn’t even really know were there……….this song popped up this morning and then these words just spilled out….

 

My Awakening….

 

He called me out on it…

He helped me to see.

Though I wasn’t living in the past

The present was lost to me….

 

I was holding on to ‘our’ dreams

Afraid to let go

Afraid if I did that

I’d have no where to go….

 

But that wasn’t the truth

Cause by letting go

I was giving myself permission

To move forward on my own…

 

My happiness I was attaching

To his memory

Unfair on all accounts

But mostly unfair to me..

 

I am responsible for my happiness

I am responsible for my life..

Letting go and moving on

Is also my right…

 

Doesn’t mean our love is gone

Not a chance in hell of that

But he is there and I am here

And that is just a fact….

 

I’m coming out of the Fog

Seeing a new path..

Many forks and detours

But Im drawing up my map…

 

Clarity is an amazing thing

With open eyes and heart

My Spirit is Awakening

I’m ready to start……

I’M READY TO FLY

@lindafedroff_august2017

Jim will always be with me…his guidance I’ll always look for. But, I am wholly responsible for my happiness. I’ve been telling myself that happiness is unattainable to me, that I may never be happy again…how unfair that is to myself….how unfair to Jims memory. As I move forward, living my now according to Linda and not Linda & Jim, I will look within, I will make peace and I will live.

Special thanks to Lady Calen for Always being there since this journey started, hell before it started…you’ve held my hand so to speak…you listened and still you don’t think I’m crazy!!! 😄

T….you’ve known me a long time. Thank you for not treating me with kid gloves…and for that bit of tough love. I know you loved making me speechless!! 😄

So Many Questions….

Wandering the perimeter of my property…
Slowly, one foot in front of the other…
Looking up at the trees.
The sky, growing lighter with each passing second.

My mind is wandering also. Not in-sync with my footsteps
Instead,
It’s wandering a path of its own…
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
How the hell am I suppose to move on?

I got to thinking about a favorite quote of mine…

“I WANT OUT OF LABELS. I DONT WANT MY LIFE CRAMMED INTO A SINGLE WORD OR STORY. I WANT TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE, UNKNOWABLE. SOME PLACE TO BE THATS NOT ON THE MAP. A REAL ADVENTURE. A MYSTERY. A. BLANK. UNKNOWN. UNDEFINED. ~chuck palahniuk~

I never really asked myself why I felt pulled to this quote except I knew it fit with my perception of the wandering gypsy I often daydreamed myself to be/wanted to be someday. It was easy to sit and Pinterest and journal my daydreams of travel and solitude knowing I was ‘HOME’ safely with Jim. … and he was always in the periphery of my daydreams. He was Always there….

So, Again, the questions.
Who Am I?
What do I do with myself now?
Where do I go, or better yet, where do I Want to go?
When? Today, tomorrow, next week? If I know one thing, it’s that life doesn’t wait or stop…
It just keeps on moving and passing by.
How? Admittedly, I’m scared. I’m scared of this new life. I’m finding I’m becoming what I didn’t want to become..a prisoner of myself, of my fears.
Why? Why? Why?

I know. I know. In some ways, some would think, ‘way to be you’. It’s nice to have those problems?!? For the first time, in my life, I’ve no one to ‘think about’ but myself. I don’t need anyone’s opinion or permission……….yet, here I sit. In some ways, immobilized by my fear……that same UNKNOWNABLE…MYSTERY…ADVENTURE that I’ve always craved, and in some ways is within hands reach now, scares the bejesus out of me…………

Today, I ponder. Today, I’ll paint……….and today I’ll keep dreaming that dream of wanderlust, in hopes that I’ll one day overcome my fear and step off my self-imposed cliff and try out these wings of mine.

Photo: via Pinterest

Death

This is the first definition of death I found at dictionary.com. It sums it up.

1. the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism .Compare brain death.

For the last 291 days, death has been a permanent fixture in my brain. No matter what I do, where I go, or whom I’m with…its there. There’s no running away from it. It follows me around, I’d like to say, like a little puppy, but puppies are cute…death has become my companion, a very unwanted and unwelcomed one….

It’s a part of life. I know it. We all know it.  It still Sucks Bigtime. I’ve been in non-stop go go go mode since Jim died. It kept me busy. It kept the hurt and grief at bay. I pulled it out and allowed myself to feel it in small increments. All the while, go go going.

Well, the go go going has come to a halt. At least for now. So now, I have to face this unwanted companion of mine. Death. The truth of it. My reality. Death. That has wrapped me tight in its grip. I stink of it. The ‘stench’ keeps folks away. They’ve dropped away, not like flies, the stench of death attracts flies like bees to honey….no. They’ve dropped away as if death itself is catching.

So be it. It is what is…..

I’m mourning the death of my husband. Today, day 291, it hurts. In some ways, I feel as though I’m at the beginning stages. The pain, raw. The emptiness, lonely. I allow myself to feel it. I allow myself to cry, wracking sobs and wails. Jims death has left me wounded. My wounds bleed my pain and grief. All this while, these wounds were kept covered, band-aided to staunch the flow……those band-aids I’ve ripped off. The time has come to let that ‘poison’ flow out..to feel the pain and let my wounds heal properly and slowly.

My reality is Death knocked on my door…it took my husband and made me a widow. It also took a piece of me..a piece of my heart and soul. BUT, death hasn’t claimed me or my spark. I will NOT hand it over. Instead, while I allow myself to grieve, I’m fanning my inner flame…….I have to. I need to. I want to. Even with death..Life Goes On.

piny_636372702198766925

 

 

 

 

 

Time Marches On….

Today is day 290 since Jim died. I know the day will come when I stop counting….or at least I hope so 😔
In the meantime..I count…I grieve. I laugh. I cry. I write………and I finally blew the dust off my Nikon. It's time.
Took myself over to Joyner and walked a bit….took a few pics, then sat under a tree and wrote…..


Last day of July
That’s another full month without you.
As I sit here
Life is happening all around me.
Though I'm crying inside,
The beauty and gifts of this day
Are not lost to me….
I'm grateful for the breeze that’s
Whispering through the trees…
To the dragonfly and butterfly
Who's dance I was gifted to be
Witness to….
Bird song being sung
By an eclectic choir
While the cicadas add their
Own pitch to the magical
Music of Nature…..

While I sit here
Thinking of you….
Still crying my silent tears..
I close my eyes…..
I 'feel' your caress
AND
'hear' your whispers
As the breeze softly blows
Through the branches of the
Trees……

Another month without you….
Somehow I've made it through……

Tears…Nature=Healing

Week 41…Day 287 Since Jim gained his wings. I'm still counting my days by how long he's been gone. I'm amazed at how fast the time has flown by. I hear from other widowers who say the days drag by for them, almost at a stand-still. They're immobilized by their pain and grief. One thing I've learned through this journey , is there is no 'right' way to grieve. We all may be traveling a similar road, but our journeys are our own………

I was asked by a fellow blogger, if I've had days where I've wanted to just curl up and not move. I can honestly say no, that has not happened to me……….I believe a part of it is because Jim and I were such Morning people…loving our sunrises. I can't NOT get up and greet the new day. As much as I hurt and ache for him, I can't lose sight of the gift that the new day is…..and his love, well, that's a gift that keeps on giving, even from where he is. I can feel it

This was my view yesterday morning from my bed…..how can I not want to get up and greet the new day?!?! I make my coffee, I sit outside, and we 'chat'.

Does he hear me…..of course he does……how do I know????? That's easy.

This place I'm now calling home, is definitely helping me along….surrounded by 'my trees' , they're getting to know me and I them….I know they hear my cries. There is no judgement, I can just let the tears flow, knowing they listen…….and each time my tears fall, it's a cleansing of my soul…and with each cleansing, I heal a little bit more.

And what does one do once they've purged themselves of some pain? Collect some of the many pinecones of course….

And then some rocks….