A New Angel😇

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This morning my world is a little less brighter…my Beautiful Claudia was called home yesterday.

She always called me her little ray of sunshine, but truth be told, the little sassy package that was Claudia was the true light. She lit up the lives of everyone she came in contact with, and those of us who had the privilege to know her, love her and be loved by her, well she had a way of lighting up our worlds in so many ways. She, along with her husband Harvey, helped me through the darkest days of my life, and in those dark times, her light shone brightly and kept my flame from burning out. With my heart filled with Love and Gratitude, I thank God for bringing you into my life, C.

While selfishly I can’t image this earth without you, I’m smiling through the tears thinking of your reunion with your boys ❤️

Rest Well My Little Ray Of Sunshine 💛☀️💛☀️ I Love You

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You own a huge piece of my heart ❤️

What A Difference 69 Weeks Makes

Alrighty….it’s time to get the shovels out for Exercise 5 of the Sandbox Writing Challenge.

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So the past four challenges from the Sandbox have been kind of fun, warm-up exercises. But now I’d like you to take out your shovel and dig a little deeper, to seriously ponder what it is about you that you feel makes you different from everybody else. 

Please no hook noses, or strange combinations of food that you like. You are a unique individual, and we want to know why!

As usual, remember to include a link to this post on your blog. Or if your response isn’t overly long, feel free to leave it in the comment section below. If you would like to play with us and see the previous prompts, they’re listed in the menu at the top of the blog in The Sandbox Writing Challenge.

Shovels at the ready? Start diggin’!

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I always considered myself empathetic, yet I was ‘one of those people’ who was uncomfortable with death, with others pain, not knowing the right thing to say…..hence saying nothing at all, instead, ‘disappearing and blending into the background’. I’d hide behind a written note or card, a text, or an occasional FB message. Not my finest moments.

Then Jim died. Grief and pain and sadness and emptiness and loss became my companions.

I found myself on the receiving end of some very empathetic people, family, friends and strangers, as well as mirror images of who I was before Jim died. I was humbled. I was and still am very Blessed. I was also ashamed. Ashamed of who I’d been, how I reacted prior.

Death is scary. Death makes others uncomfortable. I know. Been there. It’s also a reality, for all of us.

I lost my husband. But something else happened with his death. The Linda I was on the morning of October 14, 2016, ceased to be. The only way I can describe it is, a fissure inside of me opened.

Now, not only am I not afraid of others pain, I feel it. I feel it because I know it. I’ve become a personal friend to it. So, I no longer run away from it. Instead, I feel a need to get in the trenches with those who are struggling with their journey of grief and loss and pain. I want to be the hand they reach for..I want to listen. I want to give them Hope. As the lyrics of a tobyMAC song say“Look into the eyes of the broken-hearted; Watch them come alive as soon as you Speak Hope, Speak Love, Speak Life.

That is what I strive for each day now. If I can reach and help even one person, in some small way, be it by listening, giving a hug, sharing my story..helping someone in the midst of their journey helps me with mine. Jims death hasn’t closed my heart. Instead, those fissures are shining my inner light…..Does this make me different from everybody else. Not by a long shot. But, What it does say is…..I Am a Different Linda Now. Far different then the one I was before this journey started.

Death

This is the first definition of death I found at dictionary.com. It sums it up.

1. the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism .Compare brain death.

For the last 291 days, death has been a permanent fixture in my brain. No matter what I do, where I go, or whom I’m with…its there. There’s no running away from it. It follows me around, I’d like to say, like a little puppy, but puppies are cute…death has become my companion, a very unwanted and unwelcomed one….

It’s a part of life. I know it. We all know it.  It still Sucks Bigtime. I’ve been in non-stop go go go mode since Jim died. It kept me busy. It kept the hurt and grief at bay. I pulled it out and allowed myself to feel it in small increments. All the while, go go going.

Well, the go go going has come to a halt. At least for now. So now, I have to face this unwanted companion of mine. Death. The truth of it. My reality. Death. That has wrapped me tight in its grip. I stink of it. The ‘stench’ keeps folks away. They’ve dropped away, not like flies, the stench of death attracts flies like bees to honey….no. They’ve dropped away as if death itself is catching.

So be it. It is what is…..

I’m mourning the death of my husband. Today, day 291, it hurts. In some ways, I feel as though I’m at the beginning stages. The pain, raw. The emptiness, lonely. I allow myself to feel it. I allow myself to cry, wracking sobs and wails. Jims death has left me wounded. My wounds bleed my pain and grief. All this while, these wounds were kept covered, band-aided to staunch the flow……those band-aids I’ve ripped off. The time has come to let that ‘poison’ flow out..to feel the pain and let my wounds heal properly and slowly.

My reality is Death knocked on my door…it took my husband and made me a widow. It also took a piece of me..a piece of my heart and soul. BUT, death hasn’t claimed me or my spark. I will NOT hand it over. Instead, while I allow myself to grieve, I’m fanning my inner flame…….I have to. I need to. I want to. Even with death..Life Goes On.

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Nature Heals 💚


Outside amongst nature

Is where I need to go

As I bleed my sadness

And allow the pain to flow…


Curled up on the ground

I become one with the Earth

My tears spill over 

As my heart feels a rebirth…


Releasing the anguish 

Setting it free

Lightens my load

While it allows me to be…




Connected to You

Our Souls intertwined

By an invisible thread

That even words can’t define.


I. Love. You. Husband ❤

©lindafedroff_july2017

Grief


Photo: via Pinterest


I’ve been traveling this road of grief now for 236 days…it’s seems insane to me that that much time has gone by so quickly. I’m not using the word quickly lightly here…..time did not stand still for me…yes, in those first weeks I felt like I was living outside of my body, watching someone else doing all that needed to be done, like I was in an altered state..I call it my surreal reality………..but the days, weeks and months rolled by and are rolling by in a blink…….
In the meantime, my grief has really taken hold. Maybe because I’m finally ‘home’ and the newness of all this, my new reality, is hitting me. Jim is not coming back. Yes, I carry him in my heart, and yes I feel him and know he’s guiding me……..but when I sit outside, by myself, the enormity of it all does crash down on me……..
I came across this piece yesterday. This poem, written by Jodi Wium, nailed Grief……..
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Loss hits different people differently. In my family, we have lost several people in unexpected and tragic ways. This poem though is about loss and the soul.

What happens in our soul when we experience loss is significant, and our society may not respond how we wish, how we need. This poem is for those of us who have been there. Who have no words to talk about their loss, just a feeling. We eventually become friends with grief. It becomes a companion. A known quality to our life.
This poem is also meant to inspire. We breathe through our tears. It’s not one day at a time, sometimes it is one breath at a time. If you are suffering the darkness of loss, know that there is light too, and that you will love again.

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When you are friends with grief
You sit still when someone suffers a loss

The memory of your own loss washes over you, and you relive its tidal wave


When you are friends with grief

People who know you remember who you are

They see you, but you are not present

They talk through you, over you, but not to you


But to be friends with grief

Is also very good
You know how dark darkness really is

You know that the light does return

You know that you can cry and scream

And that is your truth


When you are friends with grief

You can ask it questions

How long will I suffer? What is this about? Will I love again? Will I heal?
Grief answers

Like an echo from the mountain top

First though it takes you to the bottom

of the raging river

Without a lifeboat

Where it’s only you and the rushing water

You see light, but you are not sure

If you are going to make it or fall further down the rocky canyon

Yet you feel it’s okay, you are willing to die too

But first you just want an answer
Grief answers

And says, You have made it this far

One more minute —

That’s all you need

One more minute

If you can make it through


You breathe through your tears

Your sadness stabs you and

You stab it back
You decide to fight

You will accept the loss

But you also accept the challenge


You sit down with grief

You explain you need to understand

You want to be friends
Grief accepts


It explains,

You never will be the same

You will be with others

But it will never be the same

You will love

Yet it will never be the same


But you will feel light

And it will warm you

And the You you know

Will also have died

But you will still live
Grief will sit with you

Whether you need its company or not

You are never alone

Because you have known grief

And it has known you.

GRIEF: By Jodi Wium