My Falling Leaves 🍂🍂🍂

Summer is starting to make its exit for autumn’s arrival. The morning sun has and continues to shift. There is a crispness in the air. The days are brighter and I’m beginning to ‘see’ things with new clarity. The trees are beginning to let go of their slowly decaying leaves. I sit and watch as the leaves, faded green, yellow and brown, twist and fall, and dance gently across the yard on the breeze. Their time is drawing to a close.

Autumn is my favorite season. It’s a wonderful time to witness nature in all its magical, colorful glory. There are lessons to be learned in this new season. The trees are not holding on to those dead leaves that no longer have a purpose, instead they are being dispelled, to fall back to earth and eventually decay back into the soil whence they grew. A good reminder to me that I shouldn’t be holding on to the the dead weight of all that is holding me down. Covid knocked me to my knees. The isolation and loneliness unbearable. Yet, I’ve been pretty good at fooling myself and others that I’ve had a handle on things, that I was ok, until I wasn’t ok.

One cannot flourish in a new season carrying the dead weight of the past. For me, it’s grief, pain and despair. It’s loneliness and hopelessness. It’s bitterness and it’s fear. Throw in guilt and I’ve got myself a pretty heavy chain there. And truth is, I can’t do this alone………..

So, in this new season, I’m working on letting go and really turning to God for His strength and guidance. I’m studying Philippians at the moment, and this verse is one of my go to’s.

Philippians 4:6-7

Old habits are hard to break. One of those habits is thinking I can handle things on my own. I know I can’t, yet I try anyway. As a new Christian, I tend to get sidetracked by self, forgetting God is right there, just waiting to hear from me. In this new season, I plan on continually praying and asking Him to shine His light on my thoughts, on my life and journey as I work towards letting go of my ‘decaying leaves’ and these weights that bind me.

photo via Pinterest

40 Day Sugar Fast…Day 16

DAY 16 — Tuesday, January 21, 2020

Amazon Prime. Target. Social Media. Starbucks… What is the Lord teaching you about Himself today?

I’ve been thinking about Amazon Prime myself… how I can place and order and two days later (BAM) it shows up on my front door. BUT WITH JESUS… with Jesus we’re told that He’s already on the front door knocking. He’s already there, eager to be let into the deep empty places.

I want to be filled to overflowing, how about you?

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“A full cart never makes a heart full.”

“run to the Comforter, He will fill you with His comfort.”

My life changed drastically the day my husband died unexpectedly of a heart attack. 3 weeks after his death found me packed up with few belongings and moving in with my son and his family. Things eventually settled down and I was able to find my own place to live…I get by on a fixed income..the thing I discovered was how much stuff I can truly live without……though admittedly, I have used retail therapy to help me get through some of those tough days when grief comes knocking at my door. Instead of letting it in and addressing it and turning to God, I’ve opened up Amazon, or taken a walk through Kohl’s for my sneaker fix. I know I need to turn … no actually I do need to run to God and His Word, and remember I am full, with the Holy Spirit:

But being full of the Holy Spirit, he gazed intently into heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God; Acts 7:55

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. Romans 8:26

30 Days Of Gratitude…Day 19

Day 19 I Am Enough….Embracing the me I was born to be. What a gift to know my real Father made me for His purpose, and His love for me is unconditional ❤️🙏

But now, O LORD, you are our Father;

we are the clay, and you are our potter;

we are all the work of your hand.” (Isaiah 64:8)

“Be who you were created to be, and you will set the world on fire.” ~Sister Catherine of Siena~

Saying Goodbye

Those who have been following me for some time know that I haven’t had a relationship with my father (his doing, not mine) since summer of 2006. With his wife’s passing in May of ’18, it was my hope, that we would be able to find our way back to each other. Finding out he had dementia, that was never to be…..and from that news these words came to be………

I said goodbye to you years ago

and I made my peace.

Though I would never understand

or comprehend

A fathers love so incomplete.

I accepted it for what it was

moving forward with my life.

Thoughts of you every now and then

Still and would cut like a knife.

There was Always

Always a hope

Of some sort of reconciliation.

That thought was dashed

in one phone call

It’s message a revelation.

Though physically you are here

you are ‘gone’ from this life

No longer do you remember

You’ve been released of the strife

What you do remember

I will never know

So one more time I’ll say goodbye

and allow my tears to flow.

I’ll cry for unanswered questions

and the dad I needed/wanted you to be

Now lost to dementia

You’re like a lost boat, adrift at sea……

I’ll pray for your comfort

and for you to be set free

To be a better version

Of the man you used to be.

©️lindafedroff_may2018

My dad passed away July 12, one day after his 81st birthday. I shed my tears, and have dealt with the anger I felt at being cut out of his life. At feeling like I wasn’t good enough……I pray that somewhere inside, he knew his children loved him and wanted to be a part of his life. I pray he made his peace with God before he passed. I pray you are at peace. Love you Daddy ❤️

NEVER Can Happen……🚪

It’s exercise #20 over at The Sandbox Writing Challenge. An interesting one considering the timing……this is my take on …………..

What door have you closed

in your life, and why?

Will you ever open it again?

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Along this road, this journey of life that is explicitly mine, I have had to close some doors. These things needed to be done for my own self-preservation. Whenever I was/am questioned “would you ever attempt opening or walking through one of those doors again”, my answer has always been a very emphatic NEVER!

Then this happened……….

The toxic relationships that I had/have with my siblings ( 2 sisters – 1 brother) and our parents is and still is one of the things that was and is being kept locked away behind closed doors. The relationships were then and still are not healthy. Volatile is a good term to describe what we had/have. There’s plenty of blame to pass around on all accounts, but this isn’t about bashing them or beating myself up, ’cause there are no innocents here. We all have our parts in this that we own. But I eventually found myself to the point that I knew I had to walk away, LOCK the doors and even burning some bridges for my own well-being………This January one of those doors was being pried opened. Pried open by my youngest sister, who was reaching out with an olive branch. It didn’t take long for that particular door, her door, to be opened wide and is now on its way to being dismantled. Our healing and reunion continues……

And then this happened…………

Earlier this week, I decided to peek through the keyhole of another of those closed doors. 2 weeks ago I found out my father’s wife passed away. I won’t spend time here speaking ill of the dead except to say, though we shared some good times, she ultimately played a huge part in ‘playing’ us all against each other and putting a wedge between our father and his children, and he/we allowed it. When I heard about her passing, I was surprised by my reaction considering all that has transpired. I felt really sad. Sad for her daughters, as they lost their mom, and sad for my father, he lost his wife. I felt empathy and compassion. While I was feeling these feelings the voices in my head were arguing with me, reminding me that None of them..I mean NONE of them, reached out to me when my Jim died 84 weeks ago. I argued back, that’s on them, this is me. So, after thinking about it a few days, I decided to stop peering through the keyhole. I decided to turn the key and open the door, just a crack, and after 12 years, I dialed my fathers number (weird I still remembered it!) and called him on Tuesday. I was not a timid little girl peering from behind a door. I was a Linda he wouldn’t recognize, a stronger more confident Linda. Unfortunately he did not answer the phone. I did leave a message, though. I expressed my condolences, left my cell number and said to call if he felt up to it and I ended with a “please take care of yourself dad.” No, he has not returned my call at this writing….but for me, this is huge….NEVER in a million years did I think I would even attempt this. Im closing the door, but have decided not to lock it………….

For now, the other doors remain locked. One cannot open all the doors at once, and I may not be able to open any of the others.

But Sometimes ‘Never’ Happens……….to be continued?!?!?!?

Picture Credit: Pixabay

Picture Credit: Pinterest