Christmas Eve…Missing Him…Remembering Us ❤💚

This is my Christmas Eve post to my Widows Group. Thought I’d share it here as well. So many of us are missing loved ones..so many of us dealing with our grief and pain silently. My wish for you, that somewhere amongst the grief and pain you can find some semblance of comfort and peace..be it with family and/or friends..or lost in your loving memories.

Our loved ones will Always be with us…I know this to be true, as I live it everyday….

Good Morning and Merry Christmas Eve ❤💚

This will be my second Christmas without My Jim. Jim and I never treated or followed the ‘rules’ when it came to holidays and gifts. When we got together, Jim asked me how I felt if he took a page from his beloved grandparents ‘book of relationships and life’ and follow their lead. He said they rarely bought each other gifts for the holidays, instead choosing to treat each day of their lives together and love they shared as the gift it was….Jim used to say I don’t need a calendar to tell me when I have to give you a gift or tell you I Love You. So…that’s how we approached things…….I will miss our routine Peppermint Martinis and Polar Express Christmas Eve..I will watch the movie tonight minus the martini….I’ll miss our sunrise mimosas on the beach Christmas morning and our afternoon viewing of my favorite Christmas movie, the Alistair Sims version and classic A Christmas Carol…both of which I will do by myself and my memories. I will be spending time with my daughter and her family today and tomorrow. I will celebrate the real reason for the season and remind myself of how incredibly Blessed I am..for I Am Loved ❤💚

Ok, with that said, I’m sharing a poem I wrote last Christmas Eve, my first without Jim. It’s crazy how fast the time has flown by…but our Love..his Love..continues to grow..it is my precious gift.

As is Your Loves. Those of you who are in the midst of your journeys of firsts…hold tight to your memories and your love…and Know they are with you. This is the season of miracles….Believe ❤💚🙏

*********************************************************

I’m incredibly Blessed……

but the emptiness is real.

I feel his presence, but I miss him so…….

This is ….My first Christmas without you

And though It’s hard to celebrate….

The gift of your love is one I cherish

And one I will hold dear for goodness sake…..

I hear your laughter in my mind

I close my eyes, I imagine your touch

My love for you is forever

The gift of your love…is enough

©lindafedroff_december2016

Tradition: sit with husband in a room lit only by tree lights and remember that our blessings outnumber the lights. Happy Christmas to all. ~Betsy Cañas Garmon~

Loved this quote…I’m a sucker for little white fairy lights and have them up all year round. We loved sitting in our small living room with nothing but the fairy lights lit, sometimes talking, sometimes in that companionable silence that was us.

Have A Little Faith 🙏

Prayer vs. Coincidence

Prayer:

noun

1. a devout petition to God or an object ofworship.

2. a spiritual communion with God or an object of worship, as in supplication, thanksgiving,adoration, or confession.

Coincidence:

noun

1. a striking occurrence of two or more events at one time apparently by mere chance:

Since Jim died, I’ve drawn strength and comfort from our beliefs and my faith, and I believe, because of both, I’ve been able to navigate this journey of widowhood I’ve found myself on, but, I’ve found myself having a hard time praying. I didn’t know how to pray…..I mean, I talk to Jim and my grandfather all the time…..but I hadn’t talked to God, really talked to him in a long long time, so when it came to praying, I didn’t really know how. Was there a right or wrong way to pray?!? I wasn’t sure. I felt awkward with myself and even with my verbiage, or lack there of. I had this ‘vision’ that I was getting it all wrong. So, I bought a book .. a Celtic prayer book…a weeks worth of morning and evening prayers. I started reading from it daily, and still do. It’s helped..it gave me the jumpstart I needed. As time has gone on, I’ve realized there isn’t any real right or wrong way to pray, and I’m finally overcoming my uncomfortable awkwardness with myself…..and have found my own way to pray. Part of that awkwardness comes from my having no real religion in my life for a long time. I was born into a catholic family but never warmed to it…So I came to consider myself a spiritual person. Honestly I find I’m drawn to different aspects of different religions…so I follow what appeals to me, not attaching myself to any one faith. Bottom line. I believe in my Creator..and I strive to be a good person, a kind and caring person…preferring to leave the bs and the idea of organized religion behind (this is my personal opinion)

I know your wondering where I’m going with this…….This last week my emotions have been all over the place. Jims been gone 14 months already, which BTW, friggin’ blows my mind. I cried. A lot. Many tears were spilt this week. So, while in the midst of my emotional meltdown, I prayed, my way. To my Creator. I questioned my purpose here…I shared how I felt disconnected with life, and questioned where I belong….I asked to die…I guess you can say I was having my own personal pity party and decided I needed to invite Him to the party and share how I was feeling……tears in of themselves have a way of lightening the load of grief I carry, but there is something to be said with talking/praying and putting it out there for ‘them’ to hear.

I eventually pulled on my big girl panties and went to Walmart on Thursday,,cause that’s what one does, or at least I do when I’m having a pity party for myself…I go shopping. I saw register 11 was opened (I’m a numbers gal 11:11), and I got in line. The lady in front of me had a skateboard in her cart, which had no price, no UPC code,,,nothing. So y’all know the drill. The cashier called for help..someone came to take the skateboard and find a price. The lady turned to me to apologize. I smiled and said no problem, stuff happens and I’m not in any rush. She turned away, and then turned back to me and said ” Im sorry to stare, but I’m being pulled to you, to tell you he’s with you, and that you have more work to do here. You belong here, right now. It’s not time for you to leave, not yet.” I stood there, I’m sure a sight, with my mouth wide open and my eyes filling with tears, shaking my head. I walked around my cart and she hugged me. She then held both my hands, squeezed then and said again “you belong here…and they are around you. They all hear you and your not alone.” She then opened her eyes, shyly smiled at me and said again, “I could see ‘it’ all around you and needed to share that with you, I hope you don’t think I’m crazy.” Crazy? Nah, not crazy, not crazy at all…..

I don’t believe in coincidences …instead I chose to believe some things just can’t be explained and quite honestly, I prefer the ‘there’s no explanation’ explanation. Pretty cool stuff….

Open Heart…Open Eyes

One needs to open up not

Just their eyes.

But also their hearts to ‘see’..

The signs that are all around us

And the comfort they can bring……

I see with my eyes

A leaf, folded over,

encased in early frost.

My heart ‘sees’ an Angel Wing,

Reminding me your not lost….

My eyes see autumn colored branches

reaching for the morning sunlight,

drying from yesterday’s snow.

My heart ‘sees’ a frosty heart

Amidst the ‘mourning’ glow.

©lindafedroff_december10,2017

Cardinal Meme

Sadness Shouldn’t Be Silenced…..

Yesterday, proved to be an overly emotional, tearful day for me…..was it because it was Day 402 since Jim died? Or the fact that today marks one year since my cousin Larry died. Or the fact that in the last 5 weeks dear friends of mine lost a brother…another friend lost not only her mother, but her stepfather a week and a half later, on her mothers birthday. I also lost another cousin and my island home said goodbye this past weekend to the oldest saltwater cowboy……Yeah, death sucks. It’s also reality. Where am I going with this?!? Well, this blog popped up in my FB newsfeed yesterday…..and it’s definitely worth sharing……though I never really thought I was hiding my sadness, I’ve come to realize that in fact, I have and I do, even from myself.

Holiday Survival Guide For Sad People

Bottom line is….as wonderful a time as the Holidays are…for many of us it’s a time of deep deep sadness and despair. I have days that are ok…but the sadness is always there. We all need to remember, contrary to how things may appear on the surface, not everything is as it seems……

Today is an ok day….I’m remembering those we’ve lost while my thoughts and prayers are with the family and friends left behind…..Heaven’s got itself some Amazing Angels ❤

Whispers Of My Soul

I walk the quiet trails

To ‘get lost’ with my thoughts.

I have solitary conversations

With my inner self, Jim,

My grandparents, and Our Creator.

I bare my innermost thoughts

Fears and dreams.

I cry.

A salty trail on my cheek

Evidence of my silent tears.

I look up.

Through the leaves,

The dappled light dances.

In the quietness

I listen.

I hear/feel the whispering

Of the breeze on my skin.

An inner warmth spreads within

As I listen to the

Whispers of my soul.

©lindafedroff_october24,2017