3 Day Quote Challenge-Day 1

I was invited to join the 3 quotes in 3 days challenge via Breakdownchick ….thank you for the invite 😊

It’s been awhile since I played along in anything so I thought I’d jump in. This first quote was shared with me yesterday while chatting on the phone with my dear sister friend Lady Calen over at Impromptu Promptlings. She has been an amazing source of strength and encouragement to me for a few years now…….anyway, I was sharing a story with her in regards to family dysfunction/anger and she said she had a quote to share that was just recently shared with her……when she read it to me over the phone my entire body turned into one huge goosebump ( not a pretty visual I know 😄) I immediately sent it to my family member who was on the receiving end of another family members anger……

Death

This is the first definition of death I found at dictionary.com. It sums it up.

1. the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism .Compare brain death.

For the last 291 days, death has been a permanent fixture in my brain. No matter what I do, where I go, or whom I’m with…its there. There’s no running away from it. It follows me around, I’d like to say, like a little puppy, but puppies are cute…death has become my companion, a very unwanted and unwelcomed one….

It’s a part of life. I know it. We all know it.  It still Sucks Bigtime. I’ve been in non-stop go go go mode since Jim died. It kept me busy. It kept the hurt and grief at bay. I pulled it out and allowed myself to feel it in small increments. All the while, go go going.

Well, the go go going has come to a halt. At least for now. So now, I have to face this unwanted companion of mine. Death. The truth of it. My reality. Death. That has wrapped me tight in its grip. I stink of it. The ‘stench’ keeps folks away. They’ve dropped away, not like flies, the stench of death attracts flies like bees to honey….no. They’ve dropped away as if death itself is catching.

So be it. It is what is…..

I’m mourning the death of my husband. Today, day 291, it hurts. In some ways, I feel as though I’m at the beginning stages. The pain, raw. The emptiness, lonely. I allow myself to feel it. I allow myself to cry, wracking sobs and wails. Jims death has left me wounded. My wounds bleed my pain and grief. All this while, these wounds were kept covered, band-aided to staunch the flow……those band-aids I’ve ripped off. The time has come to let that ‘poison’ flow out..to feel the pain and let my wounds heal properly and slowly.

My reality is Death knocked on my door…it took my husband and made me a widow. It also took a piece of me..a piece of my heart and soul. BUT, death hasn’t claimed me or my spark. I will NOT hand it over. Instead, while I allow myself to grieve, I’m fanning my inner flame…….I have to. I need to. I want to. Even with death..Life Goes On.

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Nature Heals 💚


Outside amongst nature

Is where I need to go

As I bleed my sadness

And allow the pain to flow…


Curled up on the ground

I become one with the Earth

My tears spill over 

As my heart feels a rebirth…


Releasing the anguish 

Setting it free

Lightens my load

While it allows me to be…




Connected to You

Our Souls intertwined

By an invisible thread

That even words can’t define.


I. Love. You. Husband ❤

©lindafedroff_july2017

Grief


Photo: via Pinterest


I’ve been traveling this road of grief now for 236 days…it’s seems insane to me that that much time has gone by so quickly. I’m not using the word quickly lightly here…..time did not stand still for me…yes, in those first weeks I felt like I was living outside of my body, watching someone else doing all that needed to be done, like I was in an altered state..I call it my surreal reality………..but the days, weeks and months rolled by and are rolling by in a blink…….
In the meantime, my grief has really taken hold. Maybe because I’m finally ‘home’ and the newness of all this, my new reality, is hitting me. Jim is not coming back. Yes, I carry him in my heart, and yes I feel him and know he’s guiding me……..but when I sit outside, by myself, the enormity of it all does crash down on me……..
I came across this piece yesterday. This poem, written by Jodi Wium, nailed Grief……..
********************************
Loss hits different people differently. In my family, we have lost several people in unexpected and tragic ways. This poem though is about loss and the soul.

What happens in our soul when we experience loss is significant, and our society may not respond how we wish, how we need. This poem is for those of us who have been there. Who have no words to talk about their loss, just a feeling. We eventually become friends with grief. It becomes a companion. A known quality to our life.
This poem is also meant to inspire. We breathe through our tears. It’s not one day at a time, sometimes it is one breath at a time. If you are suffering the darkness of loss, know that there is light too, and that you will love again.

***

When you are friends with grief
You sit still when someone suffers a loss

The memory of your own loss washes over you, and you relive its tidal wave


When you are friends with grief

People who know you remember who you are

They see you, but you are not present

They talk through you, over you, but not to you


But to be friends with grief

Is also very good
You know how dark darkness really is

You know that the light does return

You know that you can cry and scream

And that is your truth


When you are friends with grief

You can ask it questions

How long will I suffer? What is this about? Will I love again? Will I heal?
Grief answers

Like an echo from the mountain top

First though it takes you to the bottom

of the raging river

Without a lifeboat

Where it’s only you and the rushing water

You see light, but you are not sure

If you are going to make it or fall further down the rocky canyon

Yet you feel it’s okay, you are willing to die too

But first you just want an answer
Grief answers

And says, You have made it this far

One more minute —

That’s all you need

One more minute

If you can make it through


You breathe through your tears

Your sadness stabs you and

You stab it back
You decide to fight

You will accept the loss

But you also accept the challenge


You sit down with grief

You explain you need to understand

You want to be friends
Grief accepts


It explains,

You never will be the same

You will be with others

But it will never be the same

You will love

Yet it will never be the same


But you will feel light

And it will warm you

And the You you know

Will also have died

But you will still live
Grief will sit with you

Whether you need its company or not

You are never alone

Because you have known grief

And it has known you.

GRIEF: By Jodi Wium

My Wings…

My journey into Widowhood, has found me now, one of many contributing administrators to a FB widows healing group. My role is providing my take on my journey as I navigate, in as positive a way as I can, my life after Jim. I thought I’d share some of my posts here, one never knows who I can reach…….


Good Afternoon Folks! Busy start to the day as we had a ‘date’ at the local bookstore with Peppa Pig. If you have children/ grandchildren I’m sure you know who I’m talking about! As for me…I was ‘designated’ driver for Maddox 😊

Just call me Maddox’s Taxi




My Kristen and Jemma and the very famous Peppa Pig 😊🐷🐷


So as I was contemplating what I wanted to write today, I was watching my daughter and the other young parents with their children, and I was reminded of something I always used to say in regards to my own children….that I wanted them to grow their own wings and learn to fly……………………….I feel as though, at this time in my life, as I’m learning to adjust to my role as Jims widow, that while I thought I had grown my wings, those wings were grown with the help of others….I’ve come to realize My wings still have a lot more growing to do….for the first time in my life my growth is happening solo. As frightening as that was and is, I’m learning how to depend upon myself, because I have no other choice. The Linda I am today, is still a work in progress. I have Faith and I Believe my wings are gonna be Awesome! 

Last night was a big party on White Street here! I choose to celebrate Jim on Friday…these wings of mine are slowly growing


“Pain is a pesky part of being human, I’ve learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can’t be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.”  W~C. JoyBell C.~