So Many Questions….

Wandering the perimeter of my property…
Slowly, one foot in front of the other…
Looking up at the trees.
The sky, growing lighter with each passing second.

My mind is wandering also. Not in-sync with my footsteps
Instead,
It’s wandering a path of its own…
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
How the hell am I suppose to move on?

I got to thinking about a favorite quote of mine…

“I WANT OUT OF LABELS. I DONT WANT MY LIFE CRAMMED INTO A SINGLE WORD OR STORY. I WANT TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE, UNKNOWABLE. SOME PLACE TO BE THATS NOT ON THE MAP. A REAL ADVENTURE. A MYSTERY. A. BLANK. UNKNOWN. UNDEFINED. ~chuck palahniuk~

I never really asked myself why I felt pulled to this quote except I knew it fit with my perception of the wandering gypsy I often daydreamed myself to be/wanted to be someday. It was easy to sit and Pinterest and journal my daydreams of travel and solitude knowing I was ‘HOME’ safely with Jim. … and he was always in the periphery of my daydreams. He was Always there….

So, Again, the questions.
Who Am I?
What do I do with myself now?
Where do I go, or better yet, where do I Want to go?
When? Today, tomorrow, next week? If I know one thing, it’s that life doesn’t wait or stop…
It just keeps on moving and passing by.
How? Admittedly, I’m scared. I’m scared of this new life. I’m finding I’m becoming what I didn’t want to become..a prisoner of myself, of my fears.
Why? Why? Why?

I know. I know. In some ways, some would think, ‘way to be you’. It’s nice to have those problems?!? For the first time, in my life, I’ve no one to ‘think about’ but myself. I don’t need anyone’s opinion or permission……….yet, here I sit. In some ways, immobilized by my fear……that same UNKNOWNABLE…MYSTERY…ADVENTURE that I’ve always craved, and in some ways is within hands reach now, scares the bejesus out of me…………

Today, I ponder. Today, I’ll paint……….and today I’ll keep dreaming that dream of wanderlust, in hopes that I’ll one day overcome my fear and step off my self-imposed cliff and try out these wings of mine.

Photo: via Pinterest