New Discoveries…New Truth

I’m a week into my visit here on Chincoteague. This visit is proving to be more then I thought, in ways I’d never imagined. I came here anticipating a homecoming of sorts……what I’m finding is, those words ‘you can’t go home again’, to be #mytruth.

I’m Living my life and seeing this place through just Linda’s eyes now…….and a whole new picture is being painted. Amazingly though, this doesn’t make me sad. I feel as though a hidden veil has been lifted and I’m seeing with more clarity then I have since Jim died. I’m seeing that I have a whole new life ahead of me…and that there is so much more to discover and learn about myself…..that at this time of transition, I Am Growing.

I’ve returned again

To this place we called home.

So many changes.

Unrecognizable.

And the realization, once again

That change is inevitable.

AND

With that realization

A new truth.

My truth.

Is revealed.

I CANNOT GO BACK.

WHAT ENDED HAS ACTUALLY

BECOME A (MY) NEW BEGINNING

A (MY) HOPEFUL NEW NOW……

©lindafedroff_april16,2018

Taking Risks

 

We are now on to exercise 14 of The Sandbox Writing Challenge….this weeks prompt is…….

 

What risks have you taken in your life?

As always, remember to include a link to this post on YOUR blog post. Or if your response isn’t overly long, feel free to leave it in the comment section below. If you would like to play with us and see the previous prompts, they’re listed in the menu at the top of the blog in The Sandbox Writing ChallengeBut please feel free to just jump in wherever we are at the moment! After all the prompts are really for YOU to get to know YOURSELF.

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Jim was the risk taker. He always was. He was never afraid of failure, feeling the failure was in the lack of trying………he taught me well.

From the moment I found out He was gone, I feel as though EVERYTHING I did, every choice I made was a risk. The choices I made never felt wrong, quite the opposite, my gut/intuition had me feeling that I was being led in the right direction……..yet I still felt as though each time I made a decision, big or small, I was jumping off the proverbial cliff and counting on my wings to carry me and not let me hit the ground hard.

From ‘fleeing’ the island 3 weeks after he died to live with my son back in PA, where I NEVER expected to ‘live’ again. To buying my very first car on my own. To moving from PA to NC, and buying a house 2 weeks after arriving…….a house on 3 1/2 acres 😳 what was I thinking?!? All scary as hell. Risks that needed to be taken in hopes that I was and am following the right path for myself. Risks that needed to be taken or I wouldn’t be ‘living’, instead I’d be stagnant, I’d be stuck…I’d be a living ‘dead’ Linda….and that wouldn’t fly with My Jim.

Another risk……those that have been following my Blog for a while know that this is my second go round digging in the Sandbox. My first dig helped me deal with a very ugly childhood/past. You would also know I have not spoken to my immediate family in almost 15 years…which was for my own well being and self preservation.

My youngest sister has reached out to me a few times over the years via FB messenger which I always declined, that sick feeling in my stomach being my warning sign. Imagine my surprise then, when she once again reached out the week after New Years, and not only did I NOT experience that sick feeling, I sorta smiled. Right then my thoughts were, more shifting is happening in my life. I responded, she sent me her number and we talked for 4 hours that first day….we’ve spoken almost daily since then…..reconnecting, filling in some blanks for each other And finding out we are more alike then we could have known……….

I am, at this moment, visiting our little island Of Chincoteague….I needed the beach, the salt air and the special closeness to Jim I can only get from Soul Strolling ‘our beach’. My sister will be making a trip down here next week so we can continue our reunion and healing, while I share with her the beach and sea that has helped heal me over and over again. It is with Grateful and Humbled Hearts we both take this risk of our sister reunion.

Sandbox Writing Challenge … Second Go Round

Lady Calen over at Impromptu Promptlings and I had been discussing how much our lives have changed since we finished the first Sandbox Writing Challenge. The first go round for me was a very positive and healing experience. The digging I did over the course of that year found me uncovering so much about myself. I was able to heal, let go, learn and grow from my ‘dig’. My life changed for the better because of that ‘therapy dig.’

Well, as we all know life comes with no guarantees and can change in the blink of an eye…and mine did just that on October 14, 2016 with the unexpected death of my Jim……his death has sent me on a journey and path I never expected to be on. Because of his death and my life changes, my blogging took a different turn, how could it not?! I want to find my voice again and get my creative juices flowing and see what I have inside of me to share………..So, Today is day 447 since he died, and I’ve decided I want to NOT revisit my original Sandbox, but to start a new dig and uncover the inner workings of who I’m becoming since that day in October………………LET THE DIGGING BEGIN!

So here we go! Here’s a “loosening up” exercise from Roberta Allen’s book The Playful Way To Knowing Yourself just to get your creative juices flowing. How do you see yourself? Has your perspective of yourself changed over the last year? Have you EVER come into a new understanding of yourself? If so, what precipitated it?

Now, make four lists that you feel describe you and some of the preferences in your life:

If you were asked to choose seven words to describe yourself, what would they be?

1: Widow

2: Resilient

3: Dreamer

4: Believer

5: Spiritual

6: Strong

7: Accepting


If you were asked to choose seven objects that have meaning for you, what objects would you choose?

1: Jims Keepsake Urn

2: Jims wedding band

3: A teddy bear made from Jims shirts

4: My grandfathers bible

5: My grandfathers wedding band

6: Photos

7: Dragonfly charms


If you were asked to choose seven colors that have meaning for you, what colors would you choose?

1: Black

2: White

3: Green

4: Yellow

5: Red

6: Purple

7: Browns


If you were asked to choose seven places that have meaning for you, what places would you choose?

1: Under my tree

2: My property

3: My home

4: The beach

5: Sitting at my desk

6: In the woods

7: Sitting on my porch

Christmas Eve…Missing Him…Remembering Us ❤💚

This is my Christmas Eve post to my Widows Group. Thought I’d share it here as well. So many of us are missing loved ones..so many of us dealing with our grief and pain silently. My wish for you, that somewhere amongst the grief and pain you can find some semblance of comfort and peace..be it with family and/or friends..or lost in your loving memories.

Our loved ones will Always be with us…I know this to be true, as I live it everyday….

Good Morning and Merry Christmas Eve ❤💚

This will be my second Christmas without My Jim. Jim and I never treated or followed the ‘rules’ when it came to holidays and gifts. When we got together, Jim asked me how I felt if he took a page from his beloved grandparents ‘book of relationships and life’ and follow their lead. He said they rarely bought each other gifts for the holidays, instead choosing to treat each day of their lives together and love they shared as the gift it was….Jim used to say I don’t need a calendar to tell me when I have to give you a gift or tell you I Love You. So…that’s how we approached things…….I will miss our routine Peppermint Martinis and Polar Express Christmas Eve..I will watch the movie tonight minus the martini….I’ll miss our sunrise mimosas on the beach Christmas morning and our afternoon viewing of my favorite Christmas movie, the Alistair Sims version and classic A Christmas Carol…both of which I will do by myself and my memories. I will be spending time with my daughter and her family today and tomorrow. I will celebrate the real reason for the season and remind myself of how incredibly Blessed I am..for I Am Loved ❤💚

Ok, with that said, I’m sharing a poem I wrote last Christmas Eve, my first without Jim. It’s crazy how fast the time has flown by…but our Love..his Love..continues to grow..it is my precious gift.

As is Your Loves. Those of you who are in the midst of your journeys of firsts…hold tight to your memories and your love…and Know they are with you. This is the season of miracles….Believe ❤💚🙏

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I’m incredibly Blessed……

but the emptiness is real.

I feel his presence, but I miss him so…….

This is ….My first Christmas without you

And though It’s hard to celebrate….

The gift of your love is one I cherish

And one I will hold dear for goodness sake…..

I hear your laughter in my mind

I close my eyes, I imagine your touch

My love for you is forever

The gift of your love…is enough

©lindafedroff_december2016

Tradition: sit with husband in a room lit only by tree lights and remember that our blessings outnumber the lights. Happy Christmas to all. ~Betsy Cañas Garmon~

Loved this quote…I’m a sucker for little white fairy lights and have them up all year round. We loved sitting in our small living room with nothing but the fairy lights lit, sometimes talking, sometimes in that companionable silence that was us.