the state of being or living alone; seclusion:
to enjoy one’s solitude.
remoteness from habitations, as of a place; absence of human activity:
the solitude of the mountains.
a lonely, unfrequented place:
a solitude in the mountains.
adjective, lonelier, loneliest.
affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.:
a lonely exile.
lone; solitary; without company; companionless.
remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak:
a lonely road.
standing apart; isolated:
a lonely tower.
It is said that time heals…the pain lessens. Today is 326 days since I’ve started this journey of grief and widowhood. The pain has not lessened. The emptiness remains. I have a few companions that have been a part of this journey for quite sometime now, though the role of one has changed considerably over the last 326 days………
Solitude and Loneliness
2 words which when one reads their meanings via the dictionary, are very close relatives in their meanings….
To me, whenever I utter the word Solitude, it brings about feelings of peace, of calmness. I’ve always needed my solitude, craved it and was/is selfish in my need for it. I still need it. Even in this new life of mine, I need my solitude. My Soul Strolls through the parks of my new ‘home’ town, as busy as they are, I can still find places to ‘hide’ amongst the trees. The solitude I experience and am blessed with in my own backyard helps me heal the parts of me that are still broken………..
Loneliness is a whole different feeling. I know what it’s like to be a child, shunned and pushed aside. Forgotten and passed over. As an adult, I know what loneliness feels like to live in a house with ones family, and in the midst of raising that family, feel and be very much alone. The loneliness I’m living and experiencing now is the most painful I’ve had to live with. I’ve said in the past that I am comfortable in my aloneness and have found that I was kidding myself with that. I was comfortable with it because of Jim. It was easy to speak and believe those words as I lived my days as a WE, an US.
Now, as I go about my days, solitude helps me heal, but as the day turns into early evening; dusk, as the light begins to fade, as the minutes tick away, and darkness descends, it brings loneliness along. Its there in the shadows, inevitably, it takes hold of my soul and squeezes tight. Loneliness has become my companion. Where it used to be conversation and laughter, or comfortable silence between us, my truth is, I am no longer us. I am me, and as the sun sets, I am alone.
While solitude is a welcomed companion, loneliness is an unwanted one. Yet every evening, it comes calling. I try hard to slam the door on it, to not let it in, yet it finds a way. I do my best to ignore its presence, fixating my attention on a program or book. But it insists on my attention, finding ways of distracting me, pulling me in to its clutches. Oh there are nights I beat it back, beat it back good, but the fact remains, no matter how busy I keep myself in the light of day, I can’t always outrun and hide from it when the sun sets…………so when I’m in its clutches, I allow myself to live it and feel it, I succumb to it and let it have its way. I have found that by doing so, its need for me lessens, at least for a little while………….