NEVER Can Happen……🚪

It’s exercise #20 over at The Sandbox Writing Challenge. An interesting one considering the timing……this is my take on …………..

What door have you closed

in your life, and why?

Will you ever open it again?

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Along this road, this journey of life that is explicitly mine, I have had to close some doors. These things needed to be done for my own self-preservation. Whenever I was/am questioned “would you ever attempt opening or walking through one of those doors again”, my answer has always been a very emphatic NEVER!

Then this happened……….

The toxic relationships that I had/have with my siblings ( 2 sisters – 1 brother) and our parents is and still is one of the things that was and is being kept locked away behind closed doors. The relationships were then and still are not healthy. Volatile is a good term to describe what we had/have. There’s plenty of blame to pass around on all accounts, but this isn’t about bashing them or beating myself up, ’cause there are no innocents here. We all have our parts in this that we own. But I eventually found myself to the point that I knew I had to walk away, LOCK the doors and even burning some bridges for my own well-being………This January one of those doors was being pried opened. Pried open by my youngest sister, who was reaching out with an olive branch. It didn’t take long for that particular door, her door, to be opened wide and is now on its way to being dismantled. Our healing and reunion continues……

And then this happened…………

Earlier this week, I decided to peek through the keyhole of another of those closed doors. 2 weeks ago I found out my father’s wife passed away. I won’t spend time here speaking ill of the dead except to say, though we shared some good times, she ultimately played a huge part in ‘playing’ us all against each other and putting a wedge between our father and his children, and he/we allowed it. When I heard about her passing, I was surprised by my reaction considering all that has transpired. I felt really sad. Sad for her daughters, as they lost their mom, and sad for my father, he lost his wife. I felt empathy and compassion. While I was feeling these feelings the voices in my head were arguing with me, reminding me that None of them..I mean NONE of them, reached out to me when my Jim died 84 weeks ago. I argued back, that’s on them, this is me. So, after thinking about it a few days, I decided to stop peering through the keyhole. I decided to turn the key and open the door, just a crack, and after 12 years, I dialed my fathers number (weird I still remembered it!) and called him on Tuesday. I was not a timid little girl peering from behind a door. I was a Linda he wouldn’t recognize, a stronger more confident Linda. Unfortunately he did not answer the phone. I did leave a message, though. I expressed my condolences, left my cell number and said to call if he felt up to it and I ended with a “please take care of yourself dad.” No, he has not returned my call at this writing….but for me, this is huge….NEVER in a million years did I think I would even attempt this. Im closing the door, but have decided not to lock it………….

For now, the other doors remain locked. One cannot open all the doors at once, and I may not be able to open any of the others.

But Sometimes ‘Never’ Happens……….to be continued?!?!?!?

Picture Credit: Pixabay

Picture Credit: Pinterest

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Green 💚

We’re experiencing so much rain..gonna have to start building an ark. But with the rain comes an explosion of Green-ness…a vibrant hue that says LIFE.

What would happen if tomorrow morning I awoke to a canopy of branches and leaves and my feet touched the soft inviting bed of moss? And what if tomorrow, instead of a green juice, I drink the dew dripping from the clouds drip by sustaining drip?

What if tomorrow I get out a new piece of paper and draw a different path, with different endings, with different sights and different loves?

What if…….I follow my own path,,,,listen to my heart,,,do my own thing?’

What if tomorrow I start over, again……and again and again?! ~Unknown~

“Green is the prime color of the world, and that from which its loveliness arises.” ~ Pedro Calderon de la Barca~

My Widowed Truths

Here we are, Exercise 19 of The Sandbox Writing Challenge. This week we had 2 prompts to choose from….

Shhhh! It’s a secret.

Last week’s Sandbox Writing Challenge was really an interesting one. It’s kind of eye opening to see what other people think and feel about themselves.

THIS week’s challenge is a little . . . hm . . . secretive? Take the challenge if you dare!

What have you done 

that no one knows about?

OR

Just in case you’re a bit TOO secretive about whatever THAT is, here’s an optional prompt sort of along similar lines…

What are you afraid of

exposing about yourself?

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What have you done 

that no one knows about?

I Have A Secret: I wanted to die.

I know I’ve touched on this before……..7 months after Jims death, I closed on my house (just celebrated that one year anniversary actually). For the first time since his death, I was ALONE. I was physically alone. I was alone with my grief and my pain. I was alone with my thoughts and my memories. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be without him. I started to think about and contemplated ending my life so I could be rid of the emptiness I was feeling. I just wanted to be with him. So I started to write my goodbye letters to my children. Over the course of the next couple of months, I continued to add to those letters whenever those ‘feelings’ came over me. I never went far enough into my ‘plan’ to actually have a plan, (though making some sort of cocktail did enter my mind) but oh there were moments that I just asked and prayed to be taken………until one day, it occurred to me, that those feelings of ending it stopped ‘appearing’. Somewhere along the way, I had stopped thinking about not wanting to exist and starting existing and slowly living. New Years Eve of this year, I ceremoniously burned those letters and have headed and taken on 2018 with new perspective……..

What are you afraid of

exposing about yourself?

I Have A Secret: I Like Being Alone

Yep…Hows that for exposing ones self?! Today Jim has been gone 83 weeks. I’ve just ‘celebrated’ my first full year of living here in my own home, in my own space. And while I admitted above my anxieties of those first months of being on my own for the very first time in my entire life……..I’m now finding I Like Being Alone. I like living alone. I like my own company. I like that I don’t have to be accountable to anyone but myself. Now don’t get me wrong…I LOVED my life with Jim and if I could have it back I would in a heartbeat. Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. So, while I see many a widow looking for their chapter 2, at this point in my life, the only relationship I want to have is with myself. I’m sharing a highlighted passage from one of my favorite books ‘beachcombing at miramar’. I always loved this….I always said I was comfortable with my aloneness, but that was so easy to say as I always had Jim. Now I’m living this solitary life. While Jim will Always be a part of me, a part of my heart and soul and spirit, at this juncture of my journey, it’s all about creating a new life for me, solitary when I need and want it to be…..and what lies around the next bend remains to be seen.

And for fun and your listening pleasure…some All American Rejects

Nature’s Music 🎶

I was awoken this morning by sun light streaming through my window and the beautiful musical sounds that only Nature can provide. Both were responsible for my getting out of bed and taking my coffee outside……

“All of nature begins to whisper its secrets to us through its sounds. Sounds that were previously incomprehensible to our Soul now become the meaningful language of nature.” ~Rudolf Steiner~

While sitting outside enjoying the morning coolness, I was inspired to put pencil to paper (which hasn’t been happening a lot lately…hoping this is the beginning of shaking the gray matter in my brain loose!) I also pulled out the paints….productive morning for me all the way around! YAY Me 😄

Morning Caw

Morning light is breaking

The birds are singing their morning song

When all of a sudden

A loud CAW begins ‘singing’ along.

I look out my window

On my tree he is perched

Glistening shiny black in the sunlight

Of Mother Natures Church.

A raucous greeting “Good Morning”

Is what my ear hears

The feather left behind

A gift I’ll hold dear…….

©lindafedroff_may14,2018

Do I Really Need To Dispose Parts Of Myself?!?!

Alrighty…it’s that time again. Time for the gloves and shovel to come out and get some digging going on over at The Sandbox Writing Challenge. This weeks prompt asks us the following..

If you could, what parts of yourself would you throw out?

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I’m trying to remember off the top of my head what my response to this prompt was my first go round in the Sandbox. I kinda have an idea, but I’m not going back to look, that was then, this is Now.

I’ve been working on this thing we call Self-Love for quite some time now. I’m thinking, if I’m going to be fair to myself and not sabotage the self love part of my journey, I need to say none…………but, if I’m going to dig, the part I’d like to dispose of at this point in my life is the feeling sorry for myself part. I really dislike when that part of me decides to rear her little head. While traversing this journey of widowhood, it’s very easy to fall into that pity party trap……..and while some of it is expected, let’s face it, losing the man you love does give a person some leeway for that kind of party, and in some ways it’s expected…yet I tend to feel guilty when it happens to me. I have so much to be thankful and grateful for….I’m truly Blessed to have been gifted Jims Love and to Love him in return. Which leads me to share this post from yesterday……………..

This pic popped up in my memories this morning…gotta love FB’s On This Day Feature (I DO!)

This was taken 4 years ago….Love Love Love this pic of us. Today marks 82 weeks since you were called Home. I’ve grown so much since then babe. Don’t think you’d recognize this Linda I’ve become, in fact still becoming. Your death has kicked my ass in so many ways…but not just negatively, there have been some positives that have come out of this unwanted journey of mine. I’m far enough along now that I can say losing you has opened my ‘eyes’ and my heart to what’s really important to me. Losing you has helped me to re-evaluate the who, what, where, and how in my life. Your Love, is a gift that keeps on giving, and because of that gift, I’m finding that more days then not, I’m living my life my way, I’m not just surviving anymore. And that is my take on this day, 574 since you’ve been gone. I Love You Jim

#saytheirname

………..So while I’d like to ‘throw out’ that part of me, as I’m growing stronger, that part of me is shrinking……I prefer shrinking to throwing out! I’m gonna drink to that!!! 😄✌️