Happy Autumnal Equinox 🍂🍁

My Favorite Season has, well almost, officially arrived..Ok…so ‘officially’ autumn doesn’t start 4:02 pm EDT … semantics 😄

I was up way before the sun……determined to welcome autumn in my own special way. Coffee and notebook in hand, I hung with my tree. 🍁

As the birds awakened and the sky was slowly getting lighter, I couldn’t help but think of all the sunrises Jim and I were Blessed to witness together…and though he’s physically not here, I feel his presence ❤

With my arms wide open

I welcome the dawn

On the first

Of this

Autumn morn..

The sky lightens

The birds they sing

Welcoming the Equinox

And the changes it brings…

The trees dance on the breeze

As the sun begins to rise

Sky gets brighter

Morning has broken

Autumn arrives…….

©lindafedroff_sept2017

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What Doesn’t Kill Me Makes Me Stronger?!?!

You’re so strong…if I had a dollar for every time that word was used to describe me over the last 341 days, I’d be rollin in some dough. There are many meanings to the word…but I chose #10 to share as I feel it probably comes closest to what people probably mean when they say it…..

{#10’s definition: solid or stable; healthy; thriving:}

Being strong wasn’t and still isn’t exactly what I’m striving for. Surviving one day at a time as best as I can was and still is my goal. It is a choice I’ve made every morning since Jim died. Does that make me strong? Stable? Healthy? Or Thriving? I don’t feel any of those things…..but, I don’t consider myself weak in any way…….

with that said……..

I do know, for me, it’s my Faith, my Beliefs, my Hope, that get me out of bed in the morning……….that and the knowing, in my heart, that Jim was the one who died, not me.. He took a part of me with him, but I know he’d want me to live. Not just exist, but to live. I’m trying to do my best with each 24 hours I’m given. I strive to be a good, kind person. I’m striving to somehow, make even the smallest of difference in others lives.

At the end of the day, before turning in with my companion Loneliness, I don’t think to myself, Linda you were so strong today, I’m thinking, I Love and Miss my husband. I’m thinking, Linda, you made it through another day. I’m thinking regardless of the grief and pain, I’m incredibly Blessed in so many ways. I’m thinking, see you in my dreams babe

Does any of that constitute being strong? I dont know…I guess it comes down to not feeling comfortable with that adjective.

I Will Find My Shine ☀️ I Will Find My Voice

It’s been 11 months since this journey into widowhood began for me……how is that even possible?!?!? 48 weeks without My Jim’s physical presence. I miss him. My journey has seen me living through 3 states, buying a home and struggling emotionally to figure this new life of mine out. I’m no closer to figuring it out then I was in the beginning…yet, somehow, I find myself here…..and this new person death has/is creating is still lost and trying to find her way. But, She/I is determined…….

I awoke before the sun, and decided to take my coffee and watch the sunrise….something I haven’t been doing much of lately. I’ve begun to ask myself if it’s a form of self sabotage, not allowing myself to enjoy those things Jim and I loved as a couple?!?! If that’s what I’m subconsciously doing, I need to put a stop to it, and hopefully by admitting it to myself maybe I’ve begun to do that?!?!?

The sunrise inspires…..I found some comfort and peace this morning, and I wrote.

Slowly, oh so very slowly, my voice is returning……

Even at my lowest

The darkness cannot

Will not

Subdue me….

I am a source of light

my inner spark

Glows..

Becoming brighter

Like the rising sun…

©lindafedroff_sept2017

Solitude vs. Loneliness

green

Solitude:

noun

1.

the state of being or living alone; seclusion:

to enjoy one’s solitude.

2.

remoteness from habitations, as of a place; absence of human activity:

the solitude of the mountains.

3.

a lonely, unfrequented place:

a solitude in the mountains.

 

From <http://www.dictionary.com/browse/solitude?s=t>

 

Loneliness:

 

adjective, lonelier, loneliest.

1.

affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.

2.

destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.:

a lonely exile.

3.

lone; solitary; without company; companionless.

4.

remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak:

a lonely road.

5.

standing apart; isolated:

a lonely tower.

 

It is said that time heals…the pain lessens. Today is 326 days since I’ve started this journey of grief and widowhood. The pain has not lessened. The emptiness remains. I have a few companions that have been a part of this journey for quite sometime now, though the role of one has changed considerably over the last 326 days………

Solitude and Loneliness

2 words which when one reads their meanings via the dictionary, are very close relatives in their meanings….

To me, whenever I utter the word Solitude, it brings about feelings of peace, of calmness. I’ve always needed my solitude, craved it and was/is selfish in my need for it. I still need it. Even in this new life of mine, I need my solitude. My Soul Strolls through the parks of my new ‘home’ town, as busy as they are, I can still find places to ‘hide’ amongst the trees. The solitude I experience and am blessed with in my own backyard helps me heal the parts of me that are still broken………..

Loneliness is a whole different feeling. I know what it’s like to be a child, shunned and pushed aside. Forgotten and passed over. As an adult, I know what loneliness feels like to live in a house with ones family, and in the midst of raising that family, feel and be very much alone. The loneliness I’m living and experiencing now is the most painful I’ve had to live with. I’ve said in the past that I am comfortable in my aloneness and have found that I was kidding myself with that. I was comfortable with it because of Jim. It was easy to speak and believe those words as I lived my days as a WE, an US.

Now, as I go about my days, solitude helps me heal, but as the day turns into early evening; dusk, as the light begins to fade, as the minutes tick away, and darkness descends, it brings loneliness along. Its there in the shadows, inevitably, it takes hold of my soul and squeezes tight. Loneliness has become my companion. Where it used to be conversation and laughter, or comfortable silence between us, my truth is, I am no longer us. I am me, and as the sun sets, I am alone.

While solitude is a welcomed companion, loneliness is an unwanted one. Yet every evening, it comes calling. I try hard to slam the door on it, to not let it in, yet it finds a way. I do my best to ignore its presence, fixating my attention on a program or book. But it insists on my attention, finding ways of distracting me, pulling me in to its clutches. Oh there are nights I beat it back, beat it back good, but the fact remains, no matter how busy I keep myself in the light of day, I can’t always outrun and hide from it when the sun sets…………so when I’m in its clutches, I allow myself to live it and feel it, I succumb to it and let it have its way. I have found that by doing so, its need for me lessens, at least for a little while………….

shadows