Going Back Is Helping Me Move Forward

I walked away from Chincoteague a little over a year ago. I turned and didn’t look back.

I was headed into a great unknown…..a new journey was before me.

Over that time, I discovered I had more in me then I ever knew. Yes, I am strong. Yes, I am capable.

I’ve grieved. I’ve cried.

I’m surviving…

Though I still grieve and I still cry

I’m beginning to thrive. I am alive.

Going back there, I had no clue what to expect, or how I would

feel, or what I would find.

What I found was closure…closure I didn’t even know I needed

or wanted. Visiting the place where Jim died, I felt him there.

It felt good. It felt right. I felt peace.

By revisiting the place we called home, I found a piece of myself.

A piece I’d left behind. I feel, somehow, that by rediscovering that

missing piece, I’m a bit more whole then I was…….I rediscovered feelings…feelings

that reminded me that I Am Alive. Not only am I alive, but I want to live and feel

and grow. Pretty amazing stuff…..

Getting Jim’s memorial tattoo….was way cool. In his own handwriting, he’s

Forever memorialized on me as he is in my heart.

Reconnecting with those who helped me through those first weeks also proved

to be a humbling reawakening. Seeing and talking to them, I came to find that they

didn’t necessarily ‘abandoned’ me as I thought. That will not happen again.

So, by way of taking the Long Way Home, I’ve come home to North Carolina with a new view of my life. I know there will be sad days..as Jim’s loss is a part of my life. But, he will live on in my heart and in my memories, and will be with me wherever my journey takes me.

Advertisements

Whispers Of My Soul

I walk the quiet trails

To ‘get lost’ with my thoughts.

I have solitary conversations

With my inner self, Jim,

My grandparents, and Our Creator.

I bare my innermost thoughts

Fears and dreams.

I cry.

A salty trail on my cheek

Evidence of my silent tears.

I look up.

Through the leaves,

The dappled light dances.

In the quietness

I listen.

I hear/feel the whispering

Of the breeze on my skin.

An inner warmth spreads within

As I listen to the

Whispers of my soul.

©lindafedroff_october24,2017

My Journey Continues……

Well, I’m now one week into my second year without Jim.

As I reflect back on my year of firsts journey, I see it as a year of drastic change and a year of survival. It was a year of unexpected loss, extreme grief and pain. It was a year of discovering an inner strength and intuition I could draw on to help guide me along a road I wasn’t prepared for.

It was a year of loss…so much loss. Not only did I lose my husband..but many friendships fell away just as the days did.

I learned, in that first year, how to let go…

Last year’s road was also one of humility, Blessings and Hope. Of Love and Support. From those who knew me(us) and those who didn’t. Earth Angels abound 🙏

It was a year that my love continued to grow for Jim. True love doesn’t die just because the recipient of that love is no longer physically here. Our love transcends time and always will…….

As I enter my year of ‘twos’, I somehow feel a bit lighter.

Free-er even. It’s as if that year of firsts was a chain, and as I lived and grieved through each ‘first’, a link of that chain broke away. I miss my husband. I miss him awful. But I ‘hear’ him telling me, “it’s time Linda, it’s your time. Shine. I’m with you and I always will be.”……

I know it’s time to start living again. Not just exist, but live. The threads that bind us together have not lost their weave……They’ve just loosened a little……enough for me to move forward without holding on to a past that can’t be lived again….

With all that said. The pain is still there. Tears still fall. And ya know what? That’s Okay. “It okay to just be okay” … has become a little mantra of mine.

(The quote [a Danish Proverb] below is one I shared a few years ago. It was in reference to my grandmothers birthday on October 19….she’s been warching over me for a long time now ❤🍁)

My Guardians 💚🌳

It’s a BEAUTIFUL AUTUMN DAY here in North Carolina. I’m embracing the beauty of this day and am feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude to my Jim. It’s because of him and his continued love and ‘gifts’ that I can live this life and soak it all in……..these amazing trees, I see them as my ‘guardians’. 💚🌳 The healing power of trees..it’s real!

I look up

I’m surrounded

By the old ones

Peace and comfort

Is their gift to me

I open my heart

I open my soul

I hear their whispers

My story unfolds

Beneath their branches

My arms encircle

I feel their ‘life’ flowing

I find hope

And I find

A calming sanctuary

©lindafedroff_october18,2017

A Year Later….I Remember

Today marks 365 days…one year since he left. As I sit here writing, the Song, “In The Arms Of An Angel” has started playing. I BELIEVE

I awoke this morning, looked at our photo and said “Morning Husband” …. there was no sunrise as the clouds are low this day……so I lit some candles, got my coffee, reflected, remembered and started writing….

It makes no sense

How can it be

One year ago

You left me

A year long journey

Of twists and turns

Battles of emotions

My heart still yearns

For a life that is past

But there’s no going back

My journey is forward

You keep me on track

As I’ve come full circle

This year of firsts

Our Love lives on

My road, I traverse….

Where I end up

Remains to be seen

My story still unwritten

My future unseen…….

©lindafedroff_october2017

Went back through my journal, to read my entry for this time last year. I had taken a Soul stroll on the beach, came home, pulled out my paints and painted a picture of a tree…..I’ve since gifted that particular picture to someone I’ve come to love very much, who has been on the other end of the phone every week since Jim died…(Lady C )

Today, I painted another tree…..in memory of my Jim…..he colored my world and he still does from wherever it is he resides ❤💚💙💓💛

I miss him, every moment of every day….on this day, the last day of ‘firsts’, I will celebrate his life and our love……….

Tomorrow…….a new journey begins.